Last night I had to get out of bed and go outside to put Brynn's wheelchair in the van in case it rained. I had forgotten to do before laying down. I stumbled outside in my unfastened jeans, limped through the gravel and put the chair away. It was dark, but we have a street light outside the door that puts out a pale pink light over the yard. I glanced up, toward the road, and saw something strange. At first, I thought the pale light and trees were playing tricks on me, but as I stared I realized there were 3 deer standing a few yards away. They were extremely interested in me, but not scared. I was surprised, because the van makes a lot of racket, and blinks the parking lights when the door opens, but they appeared to be more curious than anything. I stood perfectly still and watched them for a moment, then I closed the van up, and started limping back towards the house. As I was walking, I kept my eyes on them. At one point, they started to get a little nervous, and one actually flagged its tail and started to trot away. I froze again, until it went back to calmly watching me, then I went into the house. I didn't want to scare them off. Our house sits on two acres, and is completely fenced in. They had to come up the driveway, through the gate, to get into the yard, and I didn't want to make them feel threatened in case they wanted to come back. I love the idea that they feel welcome in my yard, now that I have one.
It was only 3 years ago that we were living in a dumpy apartment in the not-so-great part of Homewood. The apartment had a Homewood zip code, but was zoned for Birmingham city schools. I can remember standing on the back patio listening to gunshots go off regularly. It was emasculating. It was the best I could do for my family, and it was horrible. Our first house had been foreclosed on, and both of our shiny new cars had been repossessed. My father in-law had recently died, and his business that I helped run along with him. I had tried to take it over, but his customers had done business with him, not his company. I'd lost a large majority of my income, and we were already stretched too thin with debt before that.
Ironically, our income is half what it was then, and yet our rent is a little more than what our mortgage had been. It's tight every month, but we make it.
I've written before about how we seemed to have suffered a lot of defeat. I still think that is true, using a human's definition of defeat, but I've learned that what I see as defeat can be something completely different. All of the things that have gone wrong in my life have taught me something. I know it sounds cliche', but it's been important for me to learn that, along with the lessons that I learned going through it.
There will come a time when I will be responsible for managing a great deal of money for someone else. If I hadn't taken something from those hard learned financial lessons, I would not be able to do it. I still don't think I'm ready, but perhaps that is why we still suffer financially. I've still got a lot to learn before I'm capable of handling that responsibility.
Those defeats weren't defeats at all, they were victories. The challenge now becomes knowing what lesson I need to learn when I suffer more defeat. The sooner I figure out what the lesson is, and learn it, the sooner I can move on to a different set of problems. Won't that be refreshing.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
For Brynn
I wrote some lyrics today. I tried to envision some of the things that Brynn suffers with daily, and put down some of the pain in words. I felt guilty about it. It’s not the first time I’ve felt guilty writing something like this.
When I was a teenager, I wrote a lot of “dark” poetry. Looking back, I think part of the reason I did it was to gain attention, but I never showed much of that work to anyone, so that couldn’t have been all of my motivation. Now that I’m more mature, and have invested myself into a relationship with Christ, I find it more difficult to express whatever negative emotions I have because I am truly blessed. I’m happy. I have a good life, and I don’t suffer any more than anyone else, and a lot less than some. Yet I, like anyone else, do have problems. It seems ungrateful to pine away over problems when so many things are right about my life.
I suppose in this case I feel like Brynn is different. I feel like reflecting her emotions is something of a responsibility for me, because she can’t do it herself. Despite a serious inability to communicate, I know her very well. In fact, I think I know her better than I know my other 2 kids, despite having never had a conversation with her. I know that she is a happy kid. I know that some of the things I wrote today are too mature for her, and that she doesn’t focus on those things like I do. I know that despite her handicap, she still understands that she is handicapped, and not able to do any of the things that her siblings do. Beyond that, it’s hard to tell what she thinks about it. That being said, she is certainly the happiest, most content child I know. I don’t know why, or how, I just know that she is, and I am extremely proud of her for it.
Maybe some of the things I wrote will be harder for her in the future. Maybe she has moments even now that are struggles for her. Perhaps in the middle of the night, when her toes feel like ice cubes because she’s inadvertently kicked her blanket off and can’t put it back on, she feels sad. Maybe it’s when her fingers get tangled in her hair, and she pulls on it so hard that a lock of her hair gets pulled out, that she cries as much from the sadness as she does from the pain. Maybe it’s when she scratches her face, or gets her foot caught in her wheelchair, or bends her fingers back and can’t stop, or when she falls out of her bed. It could be at it’s worst when she’s sees her brother and sister, or her classmates, drawing or painting or playing hide and seek.
But no matter when it is, when someone, anyone, walks in to the room and speaks to her, this incredible smile explodes on to her face, and you would never know there was anything wrong in the world. No matter what I wrote this morning, that smile defines who she is. That is my Brynn, not what follows.
My body is twisted
And I can’t straighten it
It’s like living in a maze
That constantly moves and changes shape
I’m always lost and in the dark
So where’s my light? Where’s my life?
I want to sleep with out pain
I want to see without strain
I want to stand without falling
But it’s all so far away, so far away
My muscles ache
My head is so heavy
My tongue is too thick
And I have so much to say
I’m sure if I could crawl
I could find my way
So where’s my path? Where’s my life?
I want to sleep with out pain
I want to see without strain
I want to stand without falling
But it’s all so far away, so far away
When I was a teenager, I wrote a lot of “dark” poetry. Looking back, I think part of the reason I did it was to gain attention, but I never showed much of that work to anyone, so that couldn’t have been all of my motivation. Now that I’m more mature, and have invested myself into a relationship with Christ, I find it more difficult to express whatever negative emotions I have because I am truly blessed. I’m happy. I have a good life, and I don’t suffer any more than anyone else, and a lot less than some. Yet I, like anyone else, do have problems. It seems ungrateful to pine away over problems when so many things are right about my life.
I suppose in this case I feel like Brynn is different. I feel like reflecting her emotions is something of a responsibility for me, because she can’t do it herself. Despite a serious inability to communicate, I know her very well. In fact, I think I know her better than I know my other 2 kids, despite having never had a conversation with her. I know that she is a happy kid. I know that some of the things I wrote today are too mature for her, and that she doesn’t focus on those things like I do. I know that despite her handicap, she still understands that she is handicapped, and not able to do any of the things that her siblings do. Beyond that, it’s hard to tell what she thinks about it. That being said, she is certainly the happiest, most content child I know. I don’t know why, or how, I just know that she is, and I am extremely proud of her for it.
Maybe some of the things I wrote will be harder for her in the future. Maybe she has moments even now that are struggles for her. Perhaps in the middle of the night, when her toes feel like ice cubes because she’s inadvertently kicked her blanket off and can’t put it back on, she feels sad. Maybe it’s when her fingers get tangled in her hair, and she pulls on it so hard that a lock of her hair gets pulled out, that she cries as much from the sadness as she does from the pain. Maybe it’s when she scratches her face, or gets her foot caught in her wheelchair, or bends her fingers back and can’t stop, or when she falls out of her bed. It could be at it’s worst when she’s sees her brother and sister, or her classmates, drawing or painting or playing hide and seek.
But no matter when it is, when someone, anyone, walks in to the room and speaks to her, this incredible smile explodes on to her face, and you would never know there was anything wrong in the world. No matter what I wrote this morning, that smile defines who she is. That is my Brynn, not what follows.
My body is twisted
And I can’t straighten it
It’s like living in a maze
That constantly moves and changes shape
I’m always lost and in the dark
So where’s my light? Where’s my life?
I want to sleep with out pain
I want to see without strain
I want to stand without falling
But it’s all so far away, so far away
My muscles ache
My head is so heavy
My tongue is too thick
And I have so much to say
I’m sure if I could crawl
I could find my way
So where’s my path? Where’s my life?
I want to sleep with out pain
I want to see without strain
I want to stand without falling
But it’s all so far away, so far away
Monday, April 12, 2010
Jesus wept
John 11:35 says that Jesus wept. It’s the shortest verse in the Bible, and yet those two words are extremely important. Why would Jesus cry? In context, the verse refers to the death of Lazarus, Jesus’ friend, and brother to Mary who had poured perfume on Jesus’ feet. It would seem reasonable that one would cry over the loss of a friend, but Jesus was not just any friend. He was the Son of God. He of all people understood what it meant for someone to die here on earth. He knew what Heaven looked like, and what Lazarus must have been experiencing and seeing. He also knew that He would resurrect Lazarus. So why would Jesus weep?
The Bible doesn’t say specifically. It says that He cried when He came to the tomb and that as He approached the tomb entrance He was deeply moved again. As a man, I’ve lost people close to me and I have cried over them, but I cry because I will not speak to them, or see them again as long as I’m alive. So, for the years that I have left on this earth, I cry because I’m going to miss them. But Jesus knew that He would see Lazarus again within moments, and yet He still cried.
Perhaps it was because He was sensitive to what those close to Him were going through. Maybe He cried because He saw the pain that His friends were experiencing, but even that is difficult to understand. He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead. The pain that they suffered from was about to be completely wiped away and replaced with jubilation. He did not cry when he resurrected the Centurions son. Even as He hung dying on the cross, His mother, Mary, was below Him in absolute agony watching her son die a brutal and unjust death; and yet, He did not weep for her. Of all of the sick that He healed and the blind that He gave sight, the Bible only references Christ crying on two occasions. The first was in Bethany, before he resurrected Lazarus, and the second was for Jerusalem.
The second incident holds the key to that question for me. He cried over Jerusalem because He knew they would not accept the gift that He was about to give them.
Jesus did not cry for the dead, He cried for those whose heart still beat that He could not save. He cried because even though He was about to suffer as no man has suffered before, some would reject the gift He was trying to give them. The Bible says the way is narrow and the road is rough, so most will choose the easy path, and die because of it.
I believe that as He watched Mary and Martha and the rest of Lazarus’ family grieve the loss of their brother, He realized that despite the gift He was about to give them, many, many people would reject it. He knew that He would grieve the loss of each one of those people much more, and for much longer, than any one of the people around Him were grieving the loss of Lazarus.
If God loves us as much as the Bible says He does, then it is more than we can comprehend. That being said, I know how difficult it was for me when I lost my mother. I can only imagine how hard it is for someone who has lost a child, but how much harder must it be for God to lose one of His children? And to lose so many! To love each and every one of the millions of people that will reject His gift that much, and to lose so many, is a pain we can not understand. As brutal as the cross was and as much as Jesus dreaded what He knew was coming, He must have been eager to do it rather than lose all of us.
And for what? Because we don’t want to know Him? Why not?
I’m an introvert by nature. I don’t particularly like meeting new people. It just doesn’t come naturally to me, but I find that in most cases, when I do meet people, I usually enjoy knowing them. In this case, we’re talking about the perfect person. God being perfect doesn’t just refer to His lack of sin. He has all of the positive personality traits that exist, and none of the negatives. He is the perfect person. No one that knows Him doesn’t like Him. Have you ever met a Christian that doesn’t like Jesus? I have met people who claim to be Christians that are angry at God, I was one of them, but those people don’t really know Him. I didn’t. What’s not to like?
The only other reasons to reject His gift are either because we choose not to believe, or we believe, but don’t want to give up our sin.
Do you think God created sin? If so, do you think He did it just to make life difficult for us? If you look at sin objectively, and consider the ramifications of it, you will soon realize that there is not a sin that doesn’t bring pain and suffering with it. If you commit adultery, it causes strife, mistrust and jealousy in your marriage. Coveting in and of itself is a negative emotion. Liars get caught in their lies, losing the trust of the people important to them. Murderers have to live with knowing they took another life. Worshiping and praying to false gods doesn’t accomplish anything, and creates unhappiness. All of the things God has asked us not to do only bring calamity back on ourselves when we do them. If there is a “victimless” sin, please tell me what it is.
Whether or not you choose to believe is another issue; one that I have written about before. In the interest of not becoming redundant, I’ll simply point out that you can’t know what you have missed in a relationship with someone if you never had that relationship to begin with. Where God is concerned, I believe that people know there is something missing, or not right, but they either choose to ignore it, or they continue to search in all the wrong places to find it. I feel sorry for those people. Not only because they are the cause of Jesus’ tears, but also because they will miss out on so much while they’re still here on earth.
While my heart hurts for those people, I’m glad that after so many years of being one of the people Jesus cried over, I have come to realize that He is what I was missing. I am excited about the way my life has changed, not just spiritually and emotionally, but in tangible ways as well.
The Bible doesn’t say specifically. It says that He cried when He came to the tomb and that as He approached the tomb entrance He was deeply moved again. As a man, I’ve lost people close to me and I have cried over them, but I cry because I will not speak to them, or see them again as long as I’m alive. So, for the years that I have left on this earth, I cry because I’m going to miss them. But Jesus knew that He would see Lazarus again within moments, and yet He still cried.
Perhaps it was because He was sensitive to what those close to Him were going through. Maybe He cried because He saw the pain that His friends were experiencing, but even that is difficult to understand. He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead. The pain that they suffered from was about to be completely wiped away and replaced with jubilation. He did not cry when he resurrected the Centurions son. Even as He hung dying on the cross, His mother, Mary, was below Him in absolute agony watching her son die a brutal and unjust death; and yet, He did not weep for her. Of all of the sick that He healed and the blind that He gave sight, the Bible only references Christ crying on two occasions. The first was in Bethany, before he resurrected Lazarus, and the second was for Jerusalem.
The second incident holds the key to that question for me. He cried over Jerusalem because He knew they would not accept the gift that He was about to give them.
Jesus did not cry for the dead, He cried for those whose heart still beat that He could not save. He cried because even though He was about to suffer as no man has suffered before, some would reject the gift He was trying to give them. The Bible says the way is narrow and the road is rough, so most will choose the easy path, and die because of it.
I believe that as He watched Mary and Martha and the rest of Lazarus’ family grieve the loss of their brother, He realized that despite the gift He was about to give them, many, many people would reject it. He knew that He would grieve the loss of each one of those people much more, and for much longer, than any one of the people around Him were grieving the loss of Lazarus.
If God loves us as much as the Bible says He does, then it is more than we can comprehend. That being said, I know how difficult it was for me when I lost my mother. I can only imagine how hard it is for someone who has lost a child, but how much harder must it be for God to lose one of His children? And to lose so many! To love each and every one of the millions of people that will reject His gift that much, and to lose so many, is a pain we can not understand. As brutal as the cross was and as much as Jesus dreaded what He knew was coming, He must have been eager to do it rather than lose all of us.
And for what? Because we don’t want to know Him? Why not?
I’m an introvert by nature. I don’t particularly like meeting new people. It just doesn’t come naturally to me, but I find that in most cases, when I do meet people, I usually enjoy knowing them. In this case, we’re talking about the perfect person. God being perfect doesn’t just refer to His lack of sin. He has all of the positive personality traits that exist, and none of the negatives. He is the perfect person. No one that knows Him doesn’t like Him. Have you ever met a Christian that doesn’t like Jesus? I have met people who claim to be Christians that are angry at God, I was one of them, but those people don’t really know Him. I didn’t. What’s not to like?
The only other reasons to reject His gift are either because we choose not to believe, or we believe, but don’t want to give up our sin.
Do you think God created sin? If so, do you think He did it just to make life difficult for us? If you look at sin objectively, and consider the ramifications of it, you will soon realize that there is not a sin that doesn’t bring pain and suffering with it. If you commit adultery, it causes strife, mistrust and jealousy in your marriage. Coveting in and of itself is a negative emotion. Liars get caught in their lies, losing the trust of the people important to them. Murderers have to live with knowing they took another life. Worshiping and praying to false gods doesn’t accomplish anything, and creates unhappiness. All of the things God has asked us not to do only bring calamity back on ourselves when we do them. If there is a “victimless” sin, please tell me what it is.
Whether or not you choose to believe is another issue; one that I have written about before. In the interest of not becoming redundant, I’ll simply point out that you can’t know what you have missed in a relationship with someone if you never had that relationship to begin with. Where God is concerned, I believe that people know there is something missing, or not right, but they either choose to ignore it, or they continue to search in all the wrong places to find it. I feel sorry for those people. Not only because they are the cause of Jesus’ tears, but also because they will miss out on so much while they’re still here on earth.
While my heart hurts for those people, I’m glad that after so many years of being one of the people Jesus cried over, I have come to realize that He is what I was missing. I am excited about the way my life has changed, not just spiritually and emotionally, but in tangible ways as well.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Atheists, Agnostics and Believers
Atheists, Agnostics and Believers
Browsing the internet this morning I came across an article titled “Why I left Atheism” (http://www.doesgodexist.org/AboutClayton/PastLife.html). It was written by a scientist, and reads much like you would expect an article composed by a scientist to read; rather long and boring. It was not the first such article I’ve read, having become interested in the subject lately, but this one in particular posed some interesting questions and points for me. I decided to put my own opinion on paper, and to help define what each of the classifications means to me.
The easiest way to start this journey is, I suppose, to debunk the silliest classification among the three; agnosticism. Dictionary.com defines agnosticism as an “intellectual doctrine or attitude affirming the uncertainty of all claims to ultimate knowledge”. Well gee, that makes a lot of sense. By that logic there is NO ultimate knowledge. There is absolute truth such as: the sun does create heat, or air contains oxygen. But I suppose where it relates to God, some may think that it is a reasonable argument. My issue is that if you do not believe, or do not know, that the Bible is the Word of God and has relevance today, you would be a fool not to investigate it. If you are truly uncertain, then there must be some level of curiosity in you, or you would just declare yourself an atheist. But if you believe that there is a chance that what the Bible says is true, then you should certainly make up your mind before you die, or before the rapture. Either way, you don’t know when that day will come, so there should be a sense of urgency to do your research. If you have not, you are either lazy, or scared of what you will have to do once you have made that decision. You will either have to fully declare yourself and atheist, thereby spitting in the face of God, or you will have to change the way you live and the things you do, and put yourself in submission to God and His will. Being afraid of change seems a little insignificant since we are talking about your eternal soul, so if I were you, I’d get right on that.
Atheism is a little more difficult for me. I’m not a biblical scholar, (yet) nor am I a highly educated philosopher. An atheist has made his decision. He is, or had better be, firm in his belief and decision. He has attempted to educate himself on the subject, and has amassed some ammunition to support his argument. My belief and salvation is based on faith, because I had not begun the study on the subject. Personally, how the earth was created was never really in question for me.
In the article I mentioned above, the author tells of 2 different occasions in his college years where he approached a professor in 2 different areas of study and asked them to explain how matter was created from nothing. He wanted to know how his professor believed the world was originally created; was it the big bang, or something else. Both of his highly esteemed professors answered that it was not within the realm of science to answer that question. In other words, all of the scientific knowledge and technology we have today could not answer that question. Answering that question was the job of philosophers or religion.
I found that interesting. To me, that is the most important question. Every thing else related to science and philosophy hinges on that answer. Sure, we can understand pollination, and break down DNA, and know the structure of a molecule, but we can’t explain how the plants, the DNA, and the molecule got here in the first place. Why do we even teach evolution in science classes anyway? It’s only a theory, and it’s a theory originating from philosophy, not science! That tells me that an atheist is basing his opinion and gambling his soul on someone’s best guess. And yet, most atheists think that believers are ignorant, superstitious and foolish. Really?
What does atheism have to offer? If there is no God, there is no afterlife. So this is it. You can spend your whole life chasing pleasure and happiness, but you will only find one of them. It is impossible to be happy if you have nothing to live for. Again I go back to Dictionary.com where it defines happiness as “good fortune; pleasure; contentment, and joy. Pleasure, by definition, is temporary. Good fortune doesn’t last forever either. You could be the luckiest person on the planet, but even you will run out of it at some point. That leaves contentment and joy. Those things don’t come from circumstances. Circumstances change. The only way a man can be truly content is if he is fulfilling a purpose. To follow the bends in the river of life, floating along in whatever direction it takes you may be relaxing, but it can’t make you happy. Life is ugly, and you can only enjoy the view for a short time. An atheist cannot be truly happy because he has to believe that there is nothing else. The pain, loss and suffering that come with life is the absolute best that there is, and when it’s over, it’s over. Like a movie that fades to black after the last scene.
In contrast, Christianity contends that life on Earth is the absolute worst. Even the best of what life has to offer pales in comparison to what the Bible says Heaven will be to those who believe. Not only is the afterlife something to look forward to, but our current life offers fulfillment and purpose. Service to God comes in many different forms, and we were created for it. A God that loves us, and created us for a specific purpose would not put us into a service that makes us miserable. I’m not called to drop everything and move to Zimbabwe. Those that are do it because, ultimately, they want to. I was called to do this. To write about what I’m experiencing and going through. Ironically, I was doing this long before I made a decision to develop a relationship with Christ, because I love doing it.
Christianity is not scary. It’s not hard. In fact, each day that goes by, I realize that it is far easier than living without it. The benefits are incredible. God has given us the opportunity to tap in to all of the power and knowledge that he possesses. Wisdom, discernment, healing, faith, and so many more are gifts that He gives us that can be used for His service, but for ourselves as well. Most Christians don’t even use these gifts, but they are available to us.
We have the promise of an incredible future of wealth and power beyond this life, as well as a fulfilled and happy life here, and an atheist believes that this is as good as it gets. Lord Kelvin, a very famous British scientist once said “If you study science deep enough and long enough it will force you to believe in God.” I believe that. Like I said, I’m no scientist, but I have spent several hours reading and studying scientific arguments from both sides, and I’m convinced that any objective scientist can not make as strong an argument against God as one can for Him. Do the research for yourself.
What ever you do, don’t claim to be agnostic for more than another day or two. You really will look silly.
Browsing the internet this morning I came across an article titled “Why I left Atheism” (http://www.doesgodexist.org/AboutClayton/PastLife.html). It was written by a scientist, and reads much like you would expect an article composed by a scientist to read; rather long and boring. It was not the first such article I’ve read, having become interested in the subject lately, but this one in particular posed some interesting questions and points for me. I decided to put my own opinion on paper, and to help define what each of the classifications means to me.
The easiest way to start this journey is, I suppose, to debunk the silliest classification among the three; agnosticism. Dictionary.com defines agnosticism as an “intellectual doctrine or attitude affirming the uncertainty of all claims to ultimate knowledge”. Well gee, that makes a lot of sense. By that logic there is NO ultimate knowledge. There is absolute truth such as: the sun does create heat, or air contains oxygen. But I suppose where it relates to God, some may think that it is a reasonable argument. My issue is that if you do not believe, or do not know, that the Bible is the Word of God and has relevance today, you would be a fool not to investigate it. If you are truly uncertain, then there must be some level of curiosity in you, or you would just declare yourself an atheist. But if you believe that there is a chance that what the Bible says is true, then you should certainly make up your mind before you die, or before the rapture. Either way, you don’t know when that day will come, so there should be a sense of urgency to do your research. If you have not, you are either lazy, or scared of what you will have to do once you have made that decision. You will either have to fully declare yourself and atheist, thereby spitting in the face of God, or you will have to change the way you live and the things you do, and put yourself in submission to God and His will. Being afraid of change seems a little insignificant since we are talking about your eternal soul, so if I were you, I’d get right on that.
Atheism is a little more difficult for me. I’m not a biblical scholar, (yet) nor am I a highly educated philosopher. An atheist has made his decision. He is, or had better be, firm in his belief and decision. He has attempted to educate himself on the subject, and has amassed some ammunition to support his argument. My belief and salvation is based on faith, because I had not begun the study on the subject. Personally, how the earth was created was never really in question for me.
In the article I mentioned above, the author tells of 2 different occasions in his college years where he approached a professor in 2 different areas of study and asked them to explain how matter was created from nothing. He wanted to know how his professor believed the world was originally created; was it the big bang, or something else. Both of his highly esteemed professors answered that it was not within the realm of science to answer that question. In other words, all of the scientific knowledge and technology we have today could not answer that question. Answering that question was the job of philosophers or religion.
I found that interesting. To me, that is the most important question. Every thing else related to science and philosophy hinges on that answer. Sure, we can understand pollination, and break down DNA, and know the structure of a molecule, but we can’t explain how the plants, the DNA, and the molecule got here in the first place. Why do we even teach evolution in science classes anyway? It’s only a theory, and it’s a theory originating from philosophy, not science! That tells me that an atheist is basing his opinion and gambling his soul on someone’s best guess. And yet, most atheists think that believers are ignorant, superstitious and foolish. Really?
What does atheism have to offer? If there is no God, there is no afterlife. So this is it. You can spend your whole life chasing pleasure and happiness, but you will only find one of them. It is impossible to be happy if you have nothing to live for. Again I go back to Dictionary.com where it defines happiness as “good fortune; pleasure; contentment, and joy. Pleasure, by definition, is temporary. Good fortune doesn’t last forever either. You could be the luckiest person on the planet, but even you will run out of it at some point. That leaves contentment and joy. Those things don’t come from circumstances. Circumstances change. The only way a man can be truly content is if he is fulfilling a purpose. To follow the bends in the river of life, floating along in whatever direction it takes you may be relaxing, but it can’t make you happy. Life is ugly, and you can only enjoy the view for a short time. An atheist cannot be truly happy because he has to believe that there is nothing else. The pain, loss and suffering that come with life is the absolute best that there is, and when it’s over, it’s over. Like a movie that fades to black after the last scene.
In contrast, Christianity contends that life on Earth is the absolute worst. Even the best of what life has to offer pales in comparison to what the Bible says Heaven will be to those who believe. Not only is the afterlife something to look forward to, but our current life offers fulfillment and purpose. Service to God comes in many different forms, and we were created for it. A God that loves us, and created us for a specific purpose would not put us into a service that makes us miserable. I’m not called to drop everything and move to Zimbabwe. Those that are do it because, ultimately, they want to. I was called to do this. To write about what I’m experiencing and going through. Ironically, I was doing this long before I made a decision to develop a relationship with Christ, because I love doing it.
Christianity is not scary. It’s not hard. In fact, each day that goes by, I realize that it is far easier than living without it. The benefits are incredible. God has given us the opportunity to tap in to all of the power and knowledge that he possesses. Wisdom, discernment, healing, faith, and so many more are gifts that He gives us that can be used for His service, but for ourselves as well. Most Christians don’t even use these gifts, but they are available to us.
We have the promise of an incredible future of wealth and power beyond this life, as well as a fulfilled and happy life here, and an atheist believes that this is as good as it gets. Lord Kelvin, a very famous British scientist once said “If you study science deep enough and long enough it will force you to believe in God.” I believe that. Like I said, I’m no scientist, but I have spent several hours reading and studying scientific arguments from both sides, and I’m convinced that any objective scientist can not make as strong an argument against God as one can for Him. Do the research for yourself.
What ever you do, don’t claim to be agnostic for more than another day or two. You really will look silly.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
This is nuts.
Have you READ Article 1 section 7 of OUR Constitution, "All bills for raising revenue originate in the house of representatives"...and this is a revenue bill. It began in the Senate and it hires 16,000 new IRS agents to harass our citizens.
Page 22 of the HC Bill: Mandates that the Govt will audit books of all employers that self-insure!!
Page 30 Sec 123 of HC bill: THERE WILL BE A GOVT COMMITTEE that decides what treatments/benefits you get.
Page 29 lines 4-16 in the HC bill: YOUR HEALTH CARE IS RATIONED!!!
Page 42 of HC Bill: The Health Choices Commissioner will choose your HC benefits for you. You have no choice!
Page 50 Section 152 in HC bill: HC will be provided to ALL non-US citizens, illegal or otherwise.
Page 58 HC Bill: Govt will have real-time access to individuals' finances & a 'National ID Health card' will be issued! (Papers please!)
Page 59 HC Bill lines 21-24: Govt will have direct access to your bank accounts for elective funds transfer. (Time for more cash and carry)
Page 65 Sec 164: Is a payoff subsidized plan for retirees and their families in unions & community organizations: (ACORN).
Page 84 Sec 203 HC bill: Govt mandates ALL benefit packages for private HC plans in the 'Exchange.'
Page 85 Line 7 HC Bill: Specifications of Benefit Levels for Plans -- The Govt will ration your health care!
Page 91 Lines 4-7 HC Bill: Govt mandates linguistic appropriate services. (Translation: illegal aliens.)
Page 95 HC Bill Lines 8-18: The Govt will use groups (i.e. ACORN & Americorps to sign up individuals for Govt HC plan.
Page 85 Line 7 HC Bill: Specifications of Benefit Levels for Plans. (AARP members - your health care WILL be rationed!)
Page 102 Lines 12-18 HC Bill: Medicaid eligible individuals will be automatically enrolled in Medicaid. (No choice.)
Page 12 4 lines 24-25 HC: No company can sue GOVT on price fixing. No "judicial review" against Govt monopoly.
Page 127 Lines 1-16 HC Bill: Doctors/ American Medical Association - The Govt will tell YOU what salary you can make.
Page 145 Line 15-17: An Employer MUST auto-enroll employees into public option plan. (NO choice!)
Page 126 Lines 22-25: Employers MUST pay for HC for part-time employees ANDtheir families. (Employees shouldn't get excited about this as employers will be forced to reduce its work force, benefits, and wages/salaries to cover such a huge expense.)
Page 149 Lines 16-24: ANY Employer with payroll 401k & above who does not provide public option will pay 8% tax on all payroll! (See the last comment in parenthesis.)
Page 150 Lines 9-13: A business with payroll between $251K & $401K who doesn't provide public option will pay 2-6% tax on all payroll.
Page 167 Lines 18-23: ANY individual who doesn't have acceptable HC according to Govt will be taxed 2.5% of income.
Page 170 Lines 1-3 HC Bill: Any NONRESIDENT Alien is exempt from individual taxes. (Americans will pay.) (Like always)
Page 195 HC Bill: Officers & employees of the GOVT HC Admin.. will have access to ALL Americans' finances and personal records. (I guess so they can 'deduct' their fees)
Page 203 Line 14-15 HC: "The tax imposed under this section shall not be treated as tax." (Yes, it really says that!) ( a 'fee' instead)
Page 239 Line 14-24 HC Bill: Govt will reduce physician services for Medicaid Seniors. (Low-income and the poor are affected.)
Page 241 Line 6-8 HC Bill: Doctors: It doesn't matter what specialty you have trained yourself in -- you will all be paid the same! (Just TRY to tell me that's not Socialism!)
Page 253 Line 10-18: The Govt sets the value of a doctor's time, profession, judgment, etc. (Literally-- the value of humans.)
Page 265 Sec 1131: The Govt mandates and controls productivity for "private" HC industries.
Page 268 Sec 1141: The federal Govt regulates the rental and purchase of power driven wheelchairs.
Page 272 SEC. 1145: TREATMENT OF CERTAIN CANCER HOSPITALS - Cancer patients - welcome to rationing!
Page 280 Sec 1151: The Govt will penalize hospitals for whatever the Govt deems preventable (i.e...re-admissions).
Page 298 Lines 9-11: Doctors: If you treat a patient during initial admission that results in a re-admission -- the Govt will penalize you.
Page 317 L 13-20: PROHIBITION on ownership/investment. (The Govt tells doctors what and how much they can own!)
Page 317-318 lines 21-25, 1-3: PROHIBITION on expansion. (The Govt is mandating that hospitals cannot expand.)
Page 321 2-13: Hospitals have the opportunity to apply for exception BUT community input is required. (Can you say ACORN?)
Page 335 L 16-25 Pg 336-339: The Govt mandates establishment of=2 outcome-based measures. (HC the way they want -- rationing.)
Page 341 Lines 3-9: The Govt has authority to disqualify Medicare Advance Plans, HMOs, etc. (Forcing people into the Govt plan)
Page 354 Sec 1177: The Govt will RESTRICT enrollment of 'special needs people!' Unbelievable!
Page 379 Sec 1191: The Govt creates more bureaucracy via a "Tele-Health Advisory Committee." (Can you say HC by phone?)
Page 425 Lines 4-12: The Govt mandates "Advance-Care Planning Consult." (Think senior citizens end-of-life patients.)
Page 425 Lines 17-19: The Govt will instruct and consult regarding living wills, durable powers of attorney, etc. (And it's mandatory!)
Page 425 Lines 22-25, 426 Lines 1-3: The Govt provides an "approved" list of end-of-life resources; guiding you in death. (Also called 'assisted suicide.')(Sounds like Soylent Green to me.)
Page 427 Lines 15-24: The Govt mandates a program for orders on "end-of-life." (The Govt has a say in how your life ends!)
Page 429 Lines 1-9: An "advanced-care planning consultant" will be used frequently as a patient's health deteriorates.
Page 429 Lines 10-12: An "advanced care consultation" may include an ORDER for end-of-life plans.. (AN ORDER TO DIE FROM THE GOVERNMENT?!?)
Page 429 Lines 13-25: The GOVT will specify which doctors can write an end-of-life order.. (I wouldn't want to stand before God after getting paid for THAT job!)
Page 430 Lines 11-15: The Govt will decide what level of treatment you will have at end-of-life! (Again -- no choice!)
Page 469: Community-Based Home Medical Services = Non-Profit Organizations. (Hello? ACORN Medical Services here!?!)
Page 489 Sec 1308: The Govt will cover marriage and family therapy. (Which means Govt will insert itself into your marriage even.)
Page 494-498: Govt will cover Mental Health Services including defining, creating, and rationing those services.
Page 22 of the HC Bill: Mandates that the Govt will audit books of all employers that self-insure!!
Page 30 Sec 123 of HC bill: THERE WILL BE A GOVT COMMITTEE that decides what treatments/benefits you get.
Page 29 lines 4-16 in the HC bill: YOUR HEALTH CARE IS RATIONED!!!
Page 42 of HC Bill: The Health Choices Commissioner will choose your HC benefits for you. You have no choice!
Page 50 Section 152 in HC bill: HC will be provided to ALL non-US citizens, illegal or otherwise.
Page 58 HC Bill: Govt will have real-time access to individuals' finances & a 'National ID Health card' will be issued! (Papers please!)
Page 59 HC Bill lines 21-24: Govt will have direct access to your bank accounts for elective funds transfer. (Time for more cash and carry)
Page 65 Sec 164: Is a payoff subsidized plan for retirees and their families in unions & community organizations: (ACORN).
Page 84 Sec 203 HC bill: Govt mandates ALL benefit packages for private HC plans in the 'Exchange.'
Page 85 Line 7 HC Bill: Specifications of Benefit Levels for Plans -- The Govt will ration your health care!
Page 91 Lines 4-7 HC Bill: Govt mandates linguistic appropriate services. (Translation: illegal aliens.)
Page 95 HC Bill Lines 8-18: The Govt will use groups (i.e. ACORN & Americorps to sign up individuals for Govt HC plan.
Page 85 Line 7 HC Bill: Specifications of Benefit Levels for Plans. (AARP members - your health care WILL be rationed!)
Page 102 Lines 12-18 HC Bill: Medicaid eligible individuals will be automatically enrolled in Medicaid. (No choice.)
Page 12 4 lines 24-25 HC: No company can sue GOVT on price fixing. No "judicial review" against Govt monopoly.
Page 127 Lines 1-16 HC Bill: Doctors/ American Medical Association - The Govt will tell YOU what salary you can make.
Page 145 Line 15-17: An Employer MUST auto-enroll employees into public option plan. (NO choice!)
Page 126 Lines 22-25: Employers MUST pay for HC for part-time employees ANDtheir families. (Employees shouldn't get excited about this as employers will be forced to reduce its work force, benefits, and wages/salaries to cover such a huge expense.)
Page 149 Lines 16-24: ANY Employer with payroll 401k & above who does not provide public option will pay 8% tax on all payroll! (See the last comment in parenthesis.)
Page 150 Lines 9-13: A business with payroll between $251K & $401K who doesn't provide public option will pay 2-6% tax on all payroll.
Page 167 Lines 18-23: ANY individual who doesn't have acceptable HC according to Govt will be taxed 2.5% of income.
Page 170 Lines 1-3 HC Bill: Any NONRESIDENT Alien is exempt from individual taxes. (Americans will pay.) (Like always)
Page 195 HC Bill: Officers & employees of the GOVT HC Admin.. will have access to ALL Americans' finances and personal records. (I guess so they can 'deduct' their fees)
Page 203 Line 14-15 HC: "The tax imposed under this section shall not be treated as tax." (Yes, it really says that!) ( a 'fee' instead)
Page 239 Line 14-24 HC Bill: Govt will reduce physician services for Medicaid Seniors. (Low-income and the poor are affected.)
Page 241 Line 6-8 HC Bill: Doctors: It doesn't matter what specialty you have trained yourself in -- you will all be paid the same! (Just TRY to tell me that's not Socialism!)
Page 253 Line 10-18: The Govt sets the value of a doctor's time, profession, judgment, etc. (Literally-- the value of humans.)
Page 265 Sec 1131: The Govt mandates and controls productivity for "private" HC industries.
Page 268 Sec 1141: The federal Govt regulates the rental and purchase of power driven wheelchairs.
Page 272 SEC. 1145: TREATMENT OF CERTAIN CANCER HOSPITALS - Cancer patients - welcome to rationing!
Page 280 Sec 1151: The Govt will penalize hospitals for whatever the Govt deems preventable (i.e...re-admissions).
Page 298 Lines 9-11: Doctors: If you treat a patient during initial admission that results in a re-admission -- the Govt will penalize you.
Page 317 L 13-20: PROHIBITION on ownership/investment. (The Govt tells doctors what and how much they can own!)
Page 317-318 lines 21-25, 1-3: PROHIBITION on expansion. (The Govt is mandating that hospitals cannot expand.)
Page 321 2-13: Hospitals have the opportunity to apply for exception BUT community input is required. (Can you say ACORN?)
Page 335 L 16-25 Pg 336-339: The Govt mandates establishment of=2 outcome-based measures. (HC the way they want -- rationing.)
Page 341 Lines 3-9: The Govt has authority to disqualify Medicare Advance Plans, HMOs, etc. (Forcing people into the Govt plan)
Page 354 Sec 1177: The Govt will RESTRICT enrollment of 'special needs people!' Unbelievable!
Page 379 Sec 1191: The Govt creates more bureaucracy via a "Tele-Health Advisory Committee." (Can you say HC by phone?)
Page 425 Lines 4-12: The Govt mandates "Advance-Care Planning Consult." (Think senior citizens end-of-life patients.)
Page 425 Lines 17-19: The Govt will instruct and consult regarding living wills, durable powers of attorney, etc. (And it's mandatory!)
Page 425 Lines 22-25, 426 Lines 1-3: The Govt provides an "approved" list of end-of-life resources; guiding you in death. (Also called 'assisted suicide.')(Sounds like Soylent Green to me.)
Page 427 Lines 15-24: The Govt mandates a program for orders on "end-of-life." (The Govt has a say in how your life ends!)
Page 429 Lines 1-9: An "advanced-care planning consultant" will be used frequently as a patient's health deteriorates.
Page 429 Lines 10-12: An "advanced care consultation" may include an ORDER for end-of-life plans.. (AN ORDER TO DIE FROM THE GOVERNMENT?!?)
Page 429 Lines 13-25: The GOVT will specify which doctors can write an end-of-life order.. (I wouldn't want to stand before God after getting paid for THAT job!)
Page 430 Lines 11-15: The Govt will decide what level of treatment you will have at end-of-life! (Again -- no choice!)
Page 469: Community-Based Home Medical Services = Non-Profit Organizations. (Hello? ACORN Medical Services here!?!)
Page 489 Sec 1308: The Govt will cover marriage and family therapy. (Which means Govt will insert itself into your marriage even.)
Page 494-498: Govt will cover Mental Health Services including defining, creating, and rationing those services.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Self Portrait
It amazes me the things that will send you on a journey of self discovery. We are in the habit of watching VH1’s music videos in the mornings while everyone is getting ready for the day. It usually just plays in the background, with the volume low. After “JumpStart” a countdown show comes on, followed by “Tool Academy”. If you’ve never seen it, Tool Academy is a reality show about couples in dysfunctional relationships. It’s about the girls trying to “fix” these testosterone loaded “tools”. Most of them are just immature steroid junkies, but I won’t get into that. The show features a psychologist that guides them through this process. For the most part, the show is pretty much trash, and has about the same appeal as a Jerry Springer type show.
I’m not in the habit of watching it, but I didn’t bother to change the channel this morning, and I just left it running in the background while I was doing a little writing and web-browsing. At some point, however, it caught my attention. It was probably just another explosion of testosterone resulting in a fight between some of the boys on the show. At any rate, they convened for a therapy session, at which the therapist asked them to separate from the girls to go and draw a picture of how they viewed themselves using markers.
I started thinking of what I would draw if I were asked to do it. As my train of thought chugged down the senseless and scattered track that is my mind, I suddenly realized that I didn’t think I would have much in the way of something positive to draw on it.
It can be difficult and enlightening to turn the mirror on yourself. I think that even the most confident of us can be extremely critical of ourselves, at least about certain things. For me, it’s all about my personality, emotions, spirituality and confidence. I’ve never been one to follow through on things that I start. I have some pretty good ideas, but I can never seem to bring them to fruition. I have already written about my tendency to suffer with defeat. I tend to quit at the first hint of failure, and since it comes around pretty often, I just stopped before I ever left the line.
I decided that my picture would be a statue of me, instead of a vision of flesh and bone. I decided that I didn’t need a flesh and bone portrait because there wasn’t enough of the real me left to justify it. It would be a stone statue, because I had created this shell around me that had hardened to granite. It would be faceless, because faces show emotion, and I have spent years working to hide that part of me, despite being extremely sensitive naturally. One side of the statue would be muscular, well defined, and strong, but the other half would be a shapeless mass, because although I believe I have the potential for a good physique, I don’t believe in my ability to work hard enough and long enough to achieve it. Its eyes would be half closed because I think I’m exceptionally perceptive, but I don’t think I’m empathetic or compassionate enough to do something about the pain I see in other people. The statue would not be standing, but crouched in a corner with it’s head buried in it’s hands because I’ve never felt like I was making progress, but rather, hiding in a corner; small and irrelevant in the world. Its hands would be clenched into fists because anger is the only emotion I’ve allowed my self to show. If I could sculpt shame on a faceless head, my statue would bury you with that impression because I’m ashamed of who I am for the very things that I created in myself.
The most important part of that picture is that it wouldn’t look the same today. You will have to forgive my grammar in this note, because I have been using the wrong tense to get my point across. The truth is that I don’t feel that way anymore. Some of the characteristics are still there, but the stone is finally being chipped away and beneath it is a real man. The man underneath will still have problems to work out, but he realizes that no one is perfect, and is slowly starting to accept those flaws and work to repair them as opposed to trying to bury them.
While I’m happy that I’m making these changes, I still wondered how I let it happen. I explored the possibilities and mulled over all of the reasons why I would let myself turn in to someone I didn’t like, and didn’t want to be.
When I was a kid I was always happy and smiling. I was energetic, I wouldn’t shut up, and I was curious about the world. Somewhere along the line I started building the shell and closing the box around who I was, because at some point, I decided that who I was wasn’t good enough. I became lethargic, uncaring, quiet and despondent. I became what I perceived as cool. While I may have passed myself off as that for a time; it was not who I was. It wasn’t even real. It was James Dean in a movie. It was just as much of an act, but without it I wasn’t good enough. I sold my self out.
If that is the answer for why I let myself become this guy that I didn’t much like, what is the answer for why I am trying to change again? There are a lot of things that I could call motivation. My wife deserves better for one. I don’t want my kids growing up with a hacked-off jerk, for another. I’ve been married for almost 12 years, and had kids for 9, so if that is the reason, I’m a little late getting started. The real reason: God can’t use the me that I created near as well as the me that HE created. I never thought I would want to be “used” by anyone, so that last sentence sort of threw me as soon as I typed it. What I’ve realized is that being used by God creates a purpose, and what’s life without purpose? But I digress.
The reason that I didn’t like the me that God had created is that I wasn’t interested in what He wanted. I decided that I was only interested in myself, and that person wasn’t getting me the results that I wanted, i.e. popularity and chicks. Of course, in the real world, James Dean isn’t very interesting, so there is that, but most importantly how can God use a broken tool? You can’t cut a tree with an axe handle. In reality, I had handicapped myself. Somewhere deep down I knew that I was a broken tool, so how could I have any self worth, if I didn’t have any God-worth. (I’m going to copyright that term, so hands off!) He always loved me, but He couldn’t use me.
Our self-image comes from Him, not just because we’re made in His image, but also because He designed us to fulfill a purpose, and if we’re not on track, and don’t have a relationship with Him, we aren’t completing that purpose and can’t possibly feel good about ourselves. Each and every part of me was designed for something. Even the smallest of my capabilities may at some point in my life be used to accomplish something for Him, but if I have morphed my self in to something other than what He designed me to be, I’m not as efficient as I should be.
I did a pretty good job of messing myself up, so I shouldn’t have any more trouble making myself right again; especially since I won’t be doing it alone this time.
So what would your portrait look like?
I’m not in the habit of watching it, but I didn’t bother to change the channel this morning, and I just left it running in the background while I was doing a little writing and web-browsing. At some point, however, it caught my attention. It was probably just another explosion of testosterone resulting in a fight between some of the boys on the show. At any rate, they convened for a therapy session, at which the therapist asked them to separate from the girls to go and draw a picture of how they viewed themselves using markers.
I started thinking of what I would draw if I were asked to do it. As my train of thought chugged down the senseless and scattered track that is my mind, I suddenly realized that I didn’t think I would have much in the way of something positive to draw on it.
It can be difficult and enlightening to turn the mirror on yourself. I think that even the most confident of us can be extremely critical of ourselves, at least about certain things. For me, it’s all about my personality, emotions, spirituality and confidence. I’ve never been one to follow through on things that I start. I have some pretty good ideas, but I can never seem to bring them to fruition. I have already written about my tendency to suffer with defeat. I tend to quit at the first hint of failure, and since it comes around pretty often, I just stopped before I ever left the line.
I decided that my picture would be a statue of me, instead of a vision of flesh and bone. I decided that I didn’t need a flesh and bone portrait because there wasn’t enough of the real me left to justify it. It would be a stone statue, because I had created this shell around me that had hardened to granite. It would be faceless, because faces show emotion, and I have spent years working to hide that part of me, despite being extremely sensitive naturally. One side of the statue would be muscular, well defined, and strong, but the other half would be a shapeless mass, because although I believe I have the potential for a good physique, I don’t believe in my ability to work hard enough and long enough to achieve it. Its eyes would be half closed because I think I’m exceptionally perceptive, but I don’t think I’m empathetic or compassionate enough to do something about the pain I see in other people. The statue would not be standing, but crouched in a corner with it’s head buried in it’s hands because I’ve never felt like I was making progress, but rather, hiding in a corner; small and irrelevant in the world. Its hands would be clenched into fists because anger is the only emotion I’ve allowed my self to show. If I could sculpt shame on a faceless head, my statue would bury you with that impression because I’m ashamed of who I am for the very things that I created in myself.
The most important part of that picture is that it wouldn’t look the same today. You will have to forgive my grammar in this note, because I have been using the wrong tense to get my point across. The truth is that I don’t feel that way anymore. Some of the characteristics are still there, but the stone is finally being chipped away and beneath it is a real man. The man underneath will still have problems to work out, but he realizes that no one is perfect, and is slowly starting to accept those flaws and work to repair them as opposed to trying to bury them.
While I’m happy that I’m making these changes, I still wondered how I let it happen. I explored the possibilities and mulled over all of the reasons why I would let myself turn in to someone I didn’t like, and didn’t want to be.
When I was a kid I was always happy and smiling. I was energetic, I wouldn’t shut up, and I was curious about the world. Somewhere along the line I started building the shell and closing the box around who I was, because at some point, I decided that who I was wasn’t good enough. I became lethargic, uncaring, quiet and despondent. I became what I perceived as cool. While I may have passed myself off as that for a time; it was not who I was. It wasn’t even real. It was James Dean in a movie. It was just as much of an act, but without it I wasn’t good enough. I sold my self out.
If that is the answer for why I let myself become this guy that I didn’t much like, what is the answer for why I am trying to change again? There are a lot of things that I could call motivation. My wife deserves better for one. I don’t want my kids growing up with a hacked-off jerk, for another. I’ve been married for almost 12 years, and had kids for 9, so if that is the reason, I’m a little late getting started. The real reason: God can’t use the me that I created near as well as the me that HE created. I never thought I would want to be “used” by anyone, so that last sentence sort of threw me as soon as I typed it. What I’ve realized is that being used by God creates a purpose, and what’s life without purpose? But I digress.
The reason that I didn’t like the me that God had created is that I wasn’t interested in what He wanted. I decided that I was only interested in myself, and that person wasn’t getting me the results that I wanted, i.e. popularity and chicks. Of course, in the real world, James Dean isn’t very interesting, so there is that, but most importantly how can God use a broken tool? You can’t cut a tree with an axe handle. In reality, I had handicapped myself. Somewhere deep down I knew that I was a broken tool, so how could I have any self worth, if I didn’t have any God-worth. (I’m going to copyright that term, so hands off!) He always loved me, but He couldn’t use me.
Our self-image comes from Him, not just because we’re made in His image, but also because He designed us to fulfill a purpose, and if we’re not on track, and don’t have a relationship with Him, we aren’t completing that purpose and can’t possibly feel good about ourselves. Each and every part of me was designed for something. Even the smallest of my capabilities may at some point in my life be used to accomplish something for Him, but if I have morphed my self in to something other than what He designed me to be, I’m not as efficient as I should be.
I did a pretty good job of messing myself up, so I shouldn’t have any more trouble making myself right again; especially since I won’t be doing it alone this time.
So what would your portrait look like?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Do you know what it means to hurt? Are you sure?
I have watched a lot of suffering this week. There have been 2 families that I was very close to at one time or another that have suffered tragic losses this week. One family lost a newborn child. The baby was having some serious complications during the pregnancy, and after giving birth, he was not able to overcome them. Making it more of a shame is that this child would have belonged to a great family. They are people of strong faith, and it is obvious to anyone who has had any contact with them that there is a tremendous amount of love in that family.
Another family is suffering the loss of someone who decided to take his own life. This is someone that I personally was very close to during my sophomore year in high school. He was a good guy. He appeared to have a great family, and a good life. He was good in athletics and popular at school. In fact, he once tried to set me up with a girl that he knew I was attracted to, only to find out that she actually wanted to be with him. He seemed stable and happy; at least for that year. I left the school the next year, and hadn’t spoken to him since. I heard rumors from other people that I was still in contact with. I know that he ended up getting his girlfriend pregnant in what I believe was his senior year. Details after that are very sketchy, but I think he got involved with drugs and ended up doing some jail time for it. It seems his life just went on a tail spin at some point.
Something like this tends to put things in perspective. I have written about things in my life not going the way I intended them to, or just going wrong in general, but losing someone like those 2 families is something completely different; particularly in the case of a suicide. But the things that have gone wrong in my life don’t compare. Whether the child lost is a newborn, or a grown man, it has to be the most painful thing someone can go through, and I grieve deeply for both of these families.
But here’s the thing about both of those stories: neither family could control the fate of those lost. My friend, who lost her baby, had no control over what happened. She had to sit back and watch. Fortunately, she’s a Godly woman, and as much pain as she must be in, I believe that she will accept it as God’s will and believe that somehow it will be for the best, but she will have to accept it because she could not change it. The family of my friend who committed suicide is in the same boat. They didn’t see it coming, and even if they had, there is no guarantee that they could have done anything about it. They have to accept it, because they could not change it.
But what if you were God? With all the power of creation, and control of heavenly hosts, changing a person’s fate is as simple as a thought. But when His son was on the cross, He didn’t change a thing. How much pain must He have been in? Despite knowing that His son would rise again, how difficult must it have been to see Jesus go through that? The torment of watching Jesus dread what He knew was coming and the pain He felt as Christ was being tortured and hung must have been unbearable. The Bible says that Jesus even asked His Father if there was any other way to accomplish their goal. God’s son was asking Him to save Him from His fate, and yet God changed nothing. In fact, He was even forced to turn His back on His son during what was perhaps the worst moments of His pain.
Compassion is not one of my most prominent personality traits, but even as cold hearted as I can be, I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been. The believers in these two families must have a much more clear idea of what God went through than I do, so for them my heart is heavy today. But as I try to empathize with them during this time, I can’t help but be grateful for the pain I feel on their behalf because it helps me to empathize with what God went through watching His own Son die. Being in touch with those emotions, even on such a small scale, helps me appreciate the gift that I have been given that much more. I wish that everyone I loved could feel as strongly about it as I do, but I understand that you can’t appreciate any gift until you have accepted it. More importantly, I pray that the sacrifice that those two families have had to make will influence people to accept that gift. I feel confident that it was God’s plan all along, so if nothing else, they can take comfort in that.
But as the snow falls on me tomorrow, and I have no milk or bread, and no way to procure any of it, I’m sure that I will continue to complain about the weather. I will continue to complain about money, or the lack of it. I will complain to God about my dad being sick from chemo, despite the fact that he is still alive today. I will keep complaining about the oven temperature not being correct, and the power bill being high, and on and on and on.
Because as wise as I may or may not become, and as grateful as I am for Gods gift, I’m still human, and life still isn’t fair.
Another family is suffering the loss of someone who decided to take his own life. This is someone that I personally was very close to during my sophomore year in high school. He was a good guy. He appeared to have a great family, and a good life. He was good in athletics and popular at school. In fact, he once tried to set me up with a girl that he knew I was attracted to, only to find out that she actually wanted to be with him. He seemed stable and happy; at least for that year. I left the school the next year, and hadn’t spoken to him since. I heard rumors from other people that I was still in contact with. I know that he ended up getting his girlfriend pregnant in what I believe was his senior year. Details after that are very sketchy, but I think he got involved with drugs and ended up doing some jail time for it. It seems his life just went on a tail spin at some point.
Something like this tends to put things in perspective. I have written about things in my life not going the way I intended them to, or just going wrong in general, but losing someone like those 2 families is something completely different; particularly in the case of a suicide. But the things that have gone wrong in my life don’t compare. Whether the child lost is a newborn, or a grown man, it has to be the most painful thing someone can go through, and I grieve deeply for both of these families.
But here’s the thing about both of those stories: neither family could control the fate of those lost. My friend, who lost her baby, had no control over what happened. She had to sit back and watch. Fortunately, she’s a Godly woman, and as much pain as she must be in, I believe that she will accept it as God’s will and believe that somehow it will be for the best, but she will have to accept it because she could not change it. The family of my friend who committed suicide is in the same boat. They didn’t see it coming, and even if they had, there is no guarantee that they could have done anything about it. They have to accept it, because they could not change it.
But what if you were God? With all the power of creation, and control of heavenly hosts, changing a person’s fate is as simple as a thought. But when His son was on the cross, He didn’t change a thing. How much pain must He have been in? Despite knowing that His son would rise again, how difficult must it have been to see Jesus go through that? The torment of watching Jesus dread what He knew was coming and the pain He felt as Christ was being tortured and hung must have been unbearable. The Bible says that Jesus even asked His Father if there was any other way to accomplish their goal. God’s son was asking Him to save Him from His fate, and yet God changed nothing. In fact, He was even forced to turn His back on His son during what was perhaps the worst moments of His pain.
Compassion is not one of my most prominent personality traits, but even as cold hearted as I can be, I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been. The believers in these two families must have a much more clear idea of what God went through than I do, so for them my heart is heavy today. But as I try to empathize with them during this time, I can’t help but be grateful for the pain I feel on their behalf because it helps me to empathize with what God went through watching His own Son die. Being in touch with those emotions, even on such a small scale, helps me appreciate the gift that I have been given that much more. I wish that everyone I loved could feel as strongly about it as I do, but I understand that you can’t appreciate any gift until you have accepted it. More importantly, I pray that the sacrifice that those two families have had to make will influence people to accept that gift. I feel confident that it was God’s plan all along, so if nothing else, they can take comfort in that.
But as the snow falls on me tomorrow, and I have no milk or bread, and no way to procure any of it, I’m sure that I will continue to complain about the weather. I will continue to complain about money, or the lack of it. I will complain to God about my dad being sick from chemo, despite the fact that he is still alive today. I will keep complaining about the oven temperature not being correct, and the power bill being high, and on and on and on.
Because as wise as I may or may not become, and as grateful as I am for Gods gift, I’m still human, and life still isn’t fair.
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