A fictional, but plausible, story of the Cam Newton saga.

I’m a Dye hard Auburn fan. I will defend Auburn until the end, no matter what evidence there may be against them, or one of their players. I’m also not a reporter. I don’t have contacts or sources, even unnamed ones. The purpose of writing this is not to break any news; what I’m about to write is nothing more than an opinion. That being said, I think this opinion is not only completely plausible, but may even border on likely. So, here is how I think the Cam Newton story went down, based on what we know:
Dan Mullin was the offensive coordinator at UF. He was successful during his tenure there, and as is common, his name came up in talks concerning a new head coach at MSU. Once Mullen was approached by MSU, he immediately began planning for his team there, considering whom he would hire for his staff, where he would go to recruit, and who he would talk to about playing for him. He realized that his current back-up quarter back at UF wasn’t getting play time, and would continue to be benched for another season since Tim Tebow had decided to return for his senior year. Mullen knew better than anyone what Cam Newton was capable of, and probably decided that it would be wise to secure Newton for his starting QB at MSU. He could have approached Cam almost immediately.
Mullen also knew about the trouble Cam had gotten into with the accusations of cheating, and the charges of receiving a stolen laptop. If Mullen was going to be successful, he probably thought it would be wise to let the dust surrounding Newton settle a little before he started playing for him at MSU. So Newton went to junior college for a season. It’s not unreasonable to think that during that year Cam and Mullen stayed in touch, so in Mullen’s mind, signing Newton was a sure thing. He would get Newton, who could potentially lead his team to an SEC championship in Mullen’s second year as a head coach, and Cam would have 2 full years of college play under his belt when he went to the NFL draft, which would raise his stock.
At the end of Newton’s season at Blinn, he and his dad went to visit MSU as is custom. During the course of his visit, Cam’s dad, Cecil, runs into Kenny Rogers. Cecil Newton could have been completely unaware of Rogers’s reputation as a shyster. At some point during their visit, Rogers could have approached Cecil about the possibility of lining his pockets. After all, they knew MSU wanted Cam to play for them, and it was almost certain they would be willing to pay for it.
I don’t care who you are, if someone approaches you about the possibility of putting an easy $180,000 in your pocket, you will more than likely at least consider it. You may even pursue it for awhile. I think you would be hard pressed to find someone that would immediately decline an offer like that on the spot. But the more time someone spends thinking about an offer like that, knowing it’s unethical, wrong, and potentially damaging to someone’s football career, the more you get spooked. Once it’s out there, however, it’s nearly impossible to take it back. Certainly so, and be able to save face at the same time.
I believe Cecil Newton let his conscious get the better of him. I believe that Cecil told Cam to sign with Auburn because he (rightfully) got cold feet. I think Kenny Rogers was the first one to bring up the subject of pay for play, and once Cecil Newton showed some interest, he took the ball and ran with it. There is no question in my mind that Cecil Newton went along with it, at least for awhile. Ultimately, however, I think Cecil thought better of it, but felt trapped in the firestorm that had gotten started, and the only way out was to go to a completely different school.
How would Mullen feel about it? Even if he didn’t know about the pay for play talk that was going on, from his point of view, his superstar player, that he thought was signed, sealed, and delivered, suddenly jumped ship on him. This was the beginning of his Head Coaching career, and it potentially just disappeared. Perhaps he had put all his eggs in the Newton basket. Maybe he hadn’t put much time and effort into recruiting another quarterback because he didn’t think he needed one. Now, suddenly, he was left high, and dry.
If I were in his shoes, I’d be hacked off too, especially watching Cam do so well at Auburn. The superstar QB that was supposed to be playing for him was leading Auburn to #2 in the nation, and potentially to the big game. Is it unreasonable to think that he would have gotten wind of the pay for play talk through some of MSU’s alum, and asked them to blow the whistle on it? I don’t think so. After all, the stars had aligned perfectly. He had John Bond to blow the whistle, Bill Bell to confirm the story, and Kenny Rogers to take the fall. Rogers was already in trouble with the NFL, and he had a reputation for being unethical, so it would be easy to pin it on him and keep his staff squeaky clean.
He probably had no idea how the story would play out with the SEC and the NCAA, but he had to have known that there would be some sort of windfall, and perhaps that was good enough for him. He probably didn’t know if there was any, or enough, evidence to put Newton on the bench, but he had to know that the media would have a field day with it, and at the very least, it would cast a dark shadow on Cam Newton, and his success.
Even if Mullen didn’t hold a grudge, there is still John Bond to consider. I would imagine he might have been pretty disappointed to lose Newton too. He stood to lose something as well. If nothing else, he’s an MSU fan. The bottom line is that there are only 3 people saying that there was talk of paying the Newton’s to get Cam to sign, and all 3 of them are MSU alum, and obviously, big fans of the program. If I had the knowledge they had, and I played for and graduated from MSU, I’d be furious too.
So now you have to ask: Are these guys credible? We know Rogers isn’t. He’s being investigated by the NFL for God knows what, and there are already stories out about how he shouldn’t be trusted. John Bond? I don’t know anything about the guy, but he does have motivation, even if he is just carrying out the request of his beloved school’s head football coach. Bill Bell? Again, I don’t know the guy, but he has the same motivation as Bond. Has anyone asked Mr. Bell if he spoke to Cecil Newton directly? If Rogers approached him about the money himself, then everything hinges on what Rogers said, which is shady at best. Couldn’t it be that Rogers was, as Cecil Newton said, acting on his own? Couldn’t he have been trying to secure the money before he approached the Newton’s about it? Personally, I don’t buy that. I believe Cecil Newton started out submitting to greed’s temptation, but it IS possible.
The person with the biggest axe to grind is Dan Mullen. He has been quoted as saying that he had a great relationship with Cam at Florida, so if that is true, it had to have hurt that much more when Cam signed with Auburn. He had to have felt betrayed from the start, but to add to it, Cam has been amazing.
The bottom line is that there are entirely too many questions that need answers. Even the most anti-Auburn fan has to admit that this is certainly not an open and shut case. To penalize a 20 something year old kid before you have any evidence other than what some wanna be agent has said is ridiculous.
Heisman voters: vote for the best player in college football, because suspicions aside, you don’t know for certain that he doesn’t deserve it, and to give it to someone less deserving based on suspicions is to waste your vote, not the other way around.

Last night I had to get out of bed and go outside to put Brynn's wheelchair in the van in case it rained. I had forgotten to do before laying down. I stumbled outside in my unfastened jeans, limped through the gravel and put the chair away. It was dark, but we have a street light outside the door that puts out a pale pink light over the yard. I glanced up, toward the road, and saw something strange. At first, I thought the pale light and trees were playing tricks on me, but as I stared I realized there were 3 deer standing a few yards away. They were extremely interested in me, but not scared. I was surprised, because the van makes a lot of racket, and blinks the parking lights when the door opens, but they appeared to be more curious than anything. I stood perfectly still and watched them for a moment, then I closed the van up, and started limping back towards the house. As I was walking, I kept my eyes on them. At one point, they started to get a little nervous, and one actually flagged its tail and started to trot away. I froze again, until it went back to calmly watching me, then I went into the house. I didn't want to scare them off. Our house sits on two acres, and is completely fenced in. They had to come up the driveway, through the gate, to get into the yard, and I didn't want to make them feel threatened in case they wanted to come back. I love the idea that they feel welcome in my yard, now that I have one.
It was only 3 years ago that we were living in a dumpy apartment in the not-so-great part of Homewood. The apartment had a Homewood zip code, but was zoned for Birmingham city schools. I can remember standing on the back patio listening to gunshots go off regularly. It was emasculating. It was the best I could do for my family, and it was horrible. Our first house had been foreclosed on, and both of our shiny new cars had been repossessed. My father in-law had recently died, and his business that I helped run along with him. I had tried to take it over, but his customers had done business with him, not his company. I'd lost a large majority of my income, and we were already stretched too thin with debt before that.
Ironically, our income is half what it was then, and yet our rent is a little more than what our mortgage had been. It's tight every month, but we make it.
I've written before about how we seemed to have suffered a lot of defeat. I still think that is true, using a human's definition of defeat, but I've learned that what I see as defeat can be something completely different. All of the things that have gone wrong in my life have taught me something. I know it sounds cliche', but it's been important for me to learn that, along with the lessons that I learned going through it.
There will come a time when I will be responsible for managing a great deal of money for someone else. If I hadn't taken something from those hard learned financial lessons, I would not be able to do it. I still don't think I'm ready, but perhaps that is why we still suffer financially. I've still got a lot to learn before I'm capable of handling that responsibility.
Those defeats weren't defeats at all, they were victories. The challenge now becomes knowing what lesson I need to learn when I suffer more defeat. The sooner I figure out what the lesson is, and learn it, the sooner I can move on to a different set of problems. Won't that be refreshing.

For Brynn

I wrote some lyrics today. I tried to envision some of the things that Brynn suffers with daily, and put down some of the pain in words. I felt guilty about it. It’s not the first time I’ve felt guilty writing something like this.
When I was a teenager, I wrote a lot of “dark” poetry. Looking back, I think part of the reason I did it was to gain attention, but I never showed much of that work to anyone, so that couldn’t have been all of my motivation. Now that I’m more mature, and have invested myself into a relationship with Christ, I find it more difficult to express whatever negative emotions I have because I am truly blessed. I’m happy. I have a good life, and I don’t suffer any more than anyone else, and a lot less than some. Yet I, like anyone else, do have problems. It seems ungrateful to pine away over problems when so many things are right about my life.
I suppose in this case I feel like Brynn is different. I feel like reflecting her emotions is something of a responsibility for me, because she can’t do it herself. Despite a serious inability to communicate, I know her very well. In fact, I think I know her better than I know my other 2 kids, despite having never had a conversation with her. I know that she is a happy kid. I know that some of the things I wrote today are too mature for her, and that she doesn’t focus on those things like I do. I know that despite her handicap, she still understands that she is handicapped, and not able to do any of the things that her siblings do. Beyond that, it’s hard to tell what she thinks about it. That being said, she is certainly the happiest, most content child I know. I don’t know why, or how, I just know that she is, and I am extremely proud of her for it.
Maybe some of the things I wrote will be harder for her in the future. Maybe she has moments even now that are struggles for her. Perhaps in the middle of the night, when her toes feel like ice cubes because she’s inadvertently kicked her blanket off and can’t put it back on, she feels sad. Maybe it’s when her fingers get tangled in her hair, and she pulls on it so hard that a lock of her hair gets pulled out, that she cries as much from the sadness as she does from the pain. Maybe it’s when she scratches her face, or gets her foot caught in her wheelchair, or bends her fingers back and can’t stop, or when she falls out of her bed. It could be at it’s worst when she’s sees her brother and sister, or her classmates, drawing or painting or playing hide and seek.
But no matter when it is, when someone, anyone, walks in to the room and speaks to her, this incredible smile explodes on to her face, and you would never know there was anything wrong in the world. No matter what I wrote this morning, that smile defines who she is. That is my Brynn, not what follows.


My body is twisted
And I can’t straighten it
It’s like living in a maze
That constantly moves and changes shape
I’m always lost and in the dark
So where’s my light? Where’s my life?
I want to sleep with out pain
I want to see without strain
I want to stand without falling
But it’s all so far away, so far away
My muscles ache
My head is so heavy
My tongue is too thick
And I have so much to say
I’m sure if I could crawl
I could find my way
So where’s my path? Where’s my life?
I want to sleep with out pain
I want to see without strain
I want to stand without falling
But it’s all so far away, so far away

Jesus wept

John 11:35 says that Jesus wept. It’s the shortest verse in the Bible, and yet those two words are extremely important. Why would Jesus cry? In context, the verse refers to the death of Lazarus, Jesus’ friend, and brother to Mary who had poured perfume on Jesus’ feet. It would seem reasonable that one would cry over the loss of a friend, but Jesus was not just any friend. He was the Son of God. He of all people understood what it meant for someone to die here on earth. He knew what Heaven looked like, and what Lazarus must have been experiencing and seeing. He also knew that He would resurrect Lazarus. So why would Jesus weep?
The Bible doesn’t say specifically. It says that He cried when He came to the tomb and that as He approached the tomb entrance He was deeply moved again. As a man, I’ve lost people close to me and I have cried over them, but I cry because I will not speak to them, or see them again as long as I’m alive. So, for the years that I have left on this earth, I cry because I’m going to miss them. But Jesus knew that He would see Lazarus again within moments, and yet He still cried.
Perhaps it was because He was sensitive to what those close to Him were going through. Maybe He cried because He saw the pain that His friends were experiencing, but even that is difficult to understand. He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead. The pain that they suffered from was about to be completely wiped away and replaced with jubilation. He did not cry when he resurrected the Centurions son. Even as He hung dying on the cross, His mother, Mary, was below Him in absolute agony watching her son die a brutal and unjust death; and yet, He did not weep for her. Of all of the sick that He healed and the blind that He gave sight, the Bible only references Christ crying on two occasions. The first was in Bethany, before he resurrected Lazarus, and the second was for Jerusalem.
The second incident holds the key to that question for me. He cried over Jerusalem because He knew they would not accept the gift that He was about to give them.
Jesus did not cry for the dead, He cried for those whose heart still beat that He could not save. He cried because even though He was about to suffer as no man has suffered before, some would reject the gift He was trying to give them. The Bible says the way is narrow and the road is rough, so most will choose the easy path, and die because of it.
I believe that as He watched Mary and Martha and the rest of Lazarus’ family grieve the loss of their brother, He realized that despite the gift He was about to give them, many, many people would reject it. He knew that He would grieve the loss of each one of those people much more, and for much longer, than any one of the people around Him were grieving the loss of Lazarus.
If God loves us as much as the Bible says He does, then it is more than we can comprehend. That being said, I know how difficult it was for me when I lost my mother. I can only imagine how hard it is for someone who has lost a child, but how much harder must it be for God to lose one of His children? And to lose so many! To love each and every one of the millions of people that will reject His gift that much, and to lose so many, is a pain we can not understand. As brutal as the cross was and as much as Jesus dreaded what He knew was coming, He must have been eager to do it rather than lose all of us.
And for what? Because we don’t want to know Him? Why not?
I’m an introvert by nature. I don’t particularly like meeting new people. It just doesn’t come naturally to me, but I find that in most cases, when I do meet people, I usually enjoy knowing them. In this case, we’re talking about the perfect person. God being perfect doesn’t just refer to His lack of sin. He has all of the positive personality traits that exist, and none of the negatives. He is the perfect person. No one that knows Him doesn’t like Him. Have you ever met a Christian that doesn’t like Jesus? I have met people who claim to be Christians that are angry at God, I was one of them, but those people don’t really know Him. I didn’t. What’s not to like?
The only other reasons to reject His gift are either because we choose not to believe, or we believe, but don’t want to give up our sin.
Do you think God created sin? If so, do you think He did it just to make life difficult for us? If you look at sin objectively, and consider the ramifications of it, you will soon realize that there is not a sin that doesn’t bring pain and suffering with it. If you commit adultery, it causes strife, mistrust and jealousy in your marriage. Coveting in and of itself is a negative emotion. Liars get caught in their lies, losing the trust of the people important to them. Murderers have to live with knowing they took another life. Worshiping and praying to false gods doesn’t accomplish anything, and creates unhappiness. All of the things God has asked us not to do only bring calamity back on ourselves when we do them. If there is a “victimless” sin, please tell me what it is.
Whether or not you choose to believe is another issue; one that I have written about before. In the interest of not becoming redundant, I’ll simply point out that you can’t know what you have missed in a relationship with someone if you never had that relationship to begin with. Where God is concerned, I believe that people know there is something missing, or not right, but they either choose to ignore it, or they continue to search in all the wrong places to find it. I feel sorry for those people. Not only because they are the cause of Jesus’ tears, but also because they will miss out on so much while they’re still here on earth.
While my heart hurts for those people, I’m glad that after so many years of being one of the people Jesus cried over, I have come to realize that He is what I was missing. I am excited about the way my life has changed, not just spiritually and emotionally, but in tangible ways as well.

Atheists, Agnostics and Believers

Atheists, Agnostics and Believers

Browsing the internet this morning I came across an article titled “Why I left Atheism” (http://www.doesgodexist.org/AboutClayton/PastLife.html). It was written by a scientist, and reads much like you would expect an article composed by a scientist to read; rather long and boring. It was not the first such article I’ve read, having become interested in the subject lately, but this one in particular posed some interesting questions and points for me. I decided to put my own opinion on paper, and to help define what each of the classifications means to me.
The easiest way to start this journey is, I suppose, to debunk the silliest classification among the three; agnosticism. Dictionary.com defines agnosticism as an “intellectual doctrine or attitude affirming the uncertainty of all claims to ultimate knowledge”. Well gee, that makes a lot of sense. By that logic there is NO ultimate knowledge. There is absolute truth such as: the sun does create heat, or air contains oxygen. But I suppose where it relates to God, some may think that it is a reasonable argument. My issue is that if you do not believe, or do not know, that the Bible is the Word of God and has relevance today, you would be a fool not to investigate it. If you are truly uncertain, then there must be some level of curiosity in you, or you would just declare yourself an atheist. But if you believe that there is a chance that what the Bible says is true, then you should certainly make up your mind before you die, or before the rapture. Either way, you don’t know when that day will come, so there should be a sense of urgency to do your research. If you have not, you are either lazy, or scared of what you will have to do once you have made that decision. You will either have to fully declare yourself and atheist, thereby spitting in the face of God, or you will have to change the way you live and the things you do, and put yourself in submission to God and His will. Being afraid of change seems a little insignificant since we are talking about your eternal soul, so if I were you, I’d get right on that.
Atheism is a little more difficult for me. I’m not a biblical scholar, (yet) nor am I a highly educated philosopher. An atheist has made his decision. He is, or had better be, firm in his belief and decision. He has attempted to educate himself on the subject, and has amassed some ammunition to support his argument. My belief and salvation is based on faith, because I had not begun the study on the subject. Personally, how the earth was created was never really in question for me.
In the article I mentioned above, the author tells of 2 different occasions in his college years where he approached a professor in 2 different areas of study and asked them to explain how matter was created from nothing. He wanted to know how his professor believed the world was originally created; was it the big bang, or something else. Both of his highly esteemed professors answered that it was not within the realm of science to answer that question. In other words, all of the scientific knowledge and technology we have today could not answer that question. Answering that question was the job of philosophers or religion.
I found that interesting. To me, that is the most important question. Every thing else related to science and philosophy hinges on that answer. Sure, we can understand pollination, and break down DNA, and know the structure of a molecule, but we can’t explain how the plants, the DNA, and the molecule got here in the first place. Why do we even teach evolution in science classes anyway? It’s only a theory, and it’s a theory originating from philosophy, not science! That tells me that an atheist is basing his opinion and gambling his soul on someone’s best guess. And yet, most atheists think that believers are ignorant, superstitious and foolish. Really?
What does atheism have to offer? If there is no God, there is no afterlife. So this is it. You can spend your whole life chasing pleasure and happiness, but you will only find one of them. It is impossible to be happy if you have nothing to live for. Again I go back to Dictionary.com where it defines happiness as “good fortune; pleasure; contentment, and joy. Pleasure, by definition, is temporary. Good fortune doesn’t last forever either. You could be the luckiest person on the planet, but even you will run out of it at some point. That leaves contentment and joy. Those things don’t come from circumstances. Circumstances change. The only way a man can be truly content is if he is fulfilling a purpose. To follow the bends in the river of life, floating along in whatever direction it takes you may be relaxing, but it can’t make you happy. Life is ugly, and you can only enjoy the view for a short time. An atheist cannot be truly happy because he has to believe that there is nothing else. The pain, loss and suffering that come with life is the absolute best that there is, and when it’s over, it’s over. Like a movie that fades to black after the last scene.
In contrast, Christianity contends that life on Earth is the absolute worst. Even the best of what life has to offer pales in comparison to what the Bible says Heaven will be to those who believe. Not only is the afterlife something to look forward to, but our current life offers fulfillment and purpose. Service to God comes in many different forms, and we were created for it. A God that loves us, and created us for a specific purpose would not put us into a service that makes us miserable. I’m not called to drop everything and move to Zimbabwe. Those that are do it because, ultimately, they want to. I was called to do this. To write about what I’m experiencing and going through. Ironically, I was doing this long before I made a decision to develop a relationship with Christ, because I love doing it.
Christianity is not scary. It’s not hard. In fact, each day that goes by, I realize that it is far easier than living without it. The benefits are incredible. God has given us the opportunity to tap in to all of the power and knowledge that he possesses. Wisdom, discernment, healing, faith, and so many more are gifts that He gives us that can be used for His service, but for ourselves as well. Most Christians don’t even use these gifts, but they are available to us.
We have the promise of an incredible future of wealth and power beyond this life, as well as a fulfilled and happy life here, and an atheist believes that this is as good as it gets. Lord Kelvin, a very famous British scientist once said “If you study science deep enough and long enough it will force you to believe in God.” I believe that. Like I said, I’m no scientist, but I have spent several hours reading and studying scientific arguments from both sides, and I’m convinced that any objective scientist can not make as strong an argument against God as one can for Him. Do the research for yourself.
What ever you do, don’t claim to be agnostic for more than another day or two. You really will look silly.

This is nuts.

Have you READ Article 1 section 7 of OUR Constitution, "All bills for raising revenue originate in the house of representatives"...and this is a revenue bill. It began in the Senate and it hires 16,000 new IRS agents to harass our citizens.

Page 22 of the HC Bill: Mandates that the Govt will audit books of all employers that self-insure!!
Page 30 Sec 123 of HC bill: THERE WILL BE A GOVT COMMITTEE that decides what treatments/benefits you get.
Page 29 lines 4-16 in the HC bill: YOUR HEALTH CARE IS RATIONED!!!
Page 42 of HC Bill: The Health Choices Commissioner will choose your HC benefits for you. You have no choice!
Page 50 Section 152 in HC bill: HC will be provided to ALL non-US citizens, illegal or otherwise.
Page 58 HC Bill: Govt will have real-time access to individuals' finances & a 'National ID Health card' will be issued! (Papers please!)

Page 59 HC Bill lines 21-24: Govt will have direct access to your bank accounts for elective funds transfer. (Time for more cash and carry)

Page 65 Sec 164: Is a payoff subsidized plan for retirees and their families in unions & community organizations: (ACORN).
Page 84 Sec 203 HC bill: Govt mandates ALL benefit packages for private HC plans in the 'Exchange.'

Page 85 Line 7 HC Bill: Specifications of Benefit Levels for Plans -- The Govt will ration your health care!

Page 91 Lines 4-7 HC Bill: Govt mandates linguistic appropriate services. (Translation: illegal aliens.)

Page 95 HC Bill Lines 8-18: The Govt will use groups (i.e. ACORN & Americorps to sign up individuals for Govt HC plan.
Page 85 Line 7 HC Bill: Specifications of Benefit Levels for Plans. (AARP members - your health care WILL be rationed!)
Page 102 Lines 12-18 HC Bill: Medicaid eligible individuals will be automatically enrolled in Medicaid. (No choice.)
Page 12 4 lines 24-25 HC: No company can sue GOVT on price fixing. No "judicial review" against Govt monopoly.
Page 127 Lines 1-16 HC Bill: Doctors/ American Medical Association - The Govt will tell YOU what salary you can make.
Page 145 Line 15-17: An Employer MUST auto-enroll employees into public option plan. (NO choice!)
Page 126 Lines 22-25: Employers MUST pay for HC for part-time employees ANDtheir families. (Employees shouldn't get excited about this as employers will be forced to reduce its work force, benefits, and wages/salaries to cover such a huge expense.)
Page 149 Lines 16-24: ANY Employer with payroll 401k & above who does not provide public option will pay 8% tax on all payroll! (See the last comment in parenthesis.)
Page 150 Lines 9-13: A business with payroll between $251K & $401K who doesn't provide public option will pay 2-6% tax on all payroll.

Page 167 Lines 18-23: ANY individual who doesn't have acceptable HC according to Govt will be taxed 2.5% of income.
Page 170 Lines 1-3 HC Bill: Any NONRESIDENT Alien is exempt from individual taxes. (Americans will pay.) (Like always)
Page 195 HC Bill: Officers & employees of the GOVT HC Admin.. will have access to ALL Americans' finances and personal records. (I guess so they can 'deduct' their fees)

Page 203 Line 14-15 HC: "The tax imposed under this section shall not be treated as tax." (Yes, it really says that!) ( a 'fee' instead)
Page 239 Line 14-24 HC Bill: Govt will reduce physician services for Medicaid Seniors. (Low-income and the poor are affected.)
Page 241 Line 6-8 HC Bill: Doctors: It doesn't matter what specialty you have trained yourself in -- you will all be paid the same! (Just TRY to tell me that's not Socialism!)
Page 253 Line 10-18: The Govt sets the value of a doctor's time, profession, judgment, etc. (Literally-- the value of humans.)
Page 265 Sec 1131: The Govt mandates and controls productivity for "private" HC industries.

Page 268 Sec 1141: The federal Govt regulates the rental and purchase of power driven wheelchairs.

Page 272 SEC. 1145: TREATMENT OF CERTAIN CANCER HOSPITALS - Cancer patients - welcome to rationing!

Page 280 Sec 1151: The Govt will penalize hospitals for whatever the Govt deems preventable (i.e...re-admissions).
Page 298 Lines 9-11: Doctors: If you treat a patient during initial admission that results in a re-admission -- the Govt will penalize you.

Page 317 L 13-20: PROHIBITION on ownership/investment. (The Govt tells doctors what and how much they can own!)

Page 317-318 lines 21-25, 1-3: PROHIBITION on expansion. (The Govt is mandating that hospitals cannot expand.)
Page 321 2-13: Hospitals have the opportunity to apply for exception BUT community input is required. (Can you say ACORN?)

Page 335 L 16-25 Pg 336-339: The Govt mandates establishment of=2 outcome-based measures. (HC the way they want -- rationing.)
Page 341 Lines 3-9: The Govt has authority to disqualify Medicare Advance Plans, HMOs, etc. (Forcing people into the Govt plan)

Page 354 Sec 1177: The Govt will RESTRICT enrollment of 'special needs people!' Unbelievable!

Page 379 Sec 1191: The Govt creates more bureaucracy via a "Tele-Health Advisory Committee." (Can you say HC by phone?)

Page 425 Lines 4-12: The Govt mandates "Advance-Care Planning Consult." (Think senior citizens end-of-life patients.)

Page 425 Lines 17-19: The Govt will instruct and consult regarding living wills, durable powers of attorney, etc. (And it's mandatory!)
Page 425 Lines 22-25, 426 Lines 1-3: The Govt provides an "approved" list of end-of-life resources; guiding you in death. (Also called 'assisted suicide.')(Sounds like Soylent Green to me.)

Page 427 Lines 15-24: The Govt mandates a program for orders on "end-of-life." (The Govt has a say in how your life ends!)

Page 429 Lines 1-9: An "advanced-care planning consultant" will be used frequently as a patient's health deteriorates.

Page 429 Lines 10-12: An "advanced care consultation" may include an ORDER for end-of-life plans.. (AN ORDER TO DIE FROM THE GOVERNMENT?!?)
Page 429 Lines 13-25: The GOVT will specify which doctors can write an end-of-life order.. (I wouldn't want to stand before God after getting paid for THAT job!)
Page 430 Lines 11-15: The Govt will decide what level of treatment you will have at end-of-life! (Again -- no choice!)

Page 469: Community-Based Home Medical Services = Non-Profit Organizations. (Hello? ACORN Medical Services here!?!)

Page 489 Sec 1308: The Govt will cover marriage and family therapy. (Which means Govt will insert itself into your marriage even.)
Page 494-498: Govt will cover Mental Health Services including defining, creating, and rationing those services.

Self Portrait

It amazes me the things that will send you on a journey of self discovery. We are in the habit of watching VH1’s music videos in the mornings while everyone is getting ready for the day. It usually just plays in the background, with the volume low. After “JumpStart” a countdown show comes on, followed by “Tool Academy”. If you’ve never seen it, Tool Academy is a reality show about couples in dysfunctional relationships. It’s about the girls trying to “fix” these testosterone loaded “tools”. Most of them are just immature steroid junkies, but I won’t get into that. The show features a psychologist that guides them through this process. For the most part, the show is pretty much trash, and has about the same appeal as a Jerry Springer type show.
I’m not in the habit of watching it, but I didn’t bother to change the channel this morning, and I just left it running in the background while I was doing a little writing and web-browsing. At some point, however, it caught my attention. It was probably just another explosion of testosterone resulting in a fight between some of the boys on the show. At any rate, they convened for a therapy session, at which the therapist asked them to separate from the girls to go and draw a picture of how they viewed themselves using markers.
I started thinking of what I would draw if I were asked to do it. As my train of thought chugged down the senseless and scattered track that is my mind, I suddenly realized that I didn’t think I would have much in the way of something positive to draw on it.
It can be difficult and enlightening to turn the mirror on yourself. I think that even the most confident of us can be extremely critical of ourselves, at least about certain things. For me, it’s all about my personality, emotions, spirituality and confidence. I’ve never been one to follow through on things that I start. I have some pretty good ideas, but I can never seem to bring them to fruition. I have already written about my tendency to suffer with defeat. I tend to quit at the first hint of failure, and since it comes around pretty often, I just stopped before I ever left the line.
I decided that my picture would be a statue of me, instead of a vision of flesh and bone. I decided that I didn’t need a flesh and bone portrait because there wasn’t enough of the real me left to justify it. It would be a stone statue, because I had created this shell around me that had hardened to granite. It would be faceless, because faces show emotion, and I have spent years working to hide that part of me, despite being extremely sensitive naturally. One side of the statue would be muscular, well defined, and strong, but the other half would be a shapeless mass, because although I believe I have the potential for a good physique, I don’t believe in my ability to work hard enough and long enough to achieve it. Its eyes would be half closed because I think I’m exceptionally perceptive, but I don’t think I’m empathetic or compassionate enough to do something about the pain I see in other people. The statue would not be standing, but crouched in a corner with it’s head buried in it’s hands because I’ve never felt like I was making progress, but rather, hiding in a corner; small and irrelevant in the world. Its hands would be clenched into fists because anger is the only emotion I’ve allowed my self to show. If I could sculpt shame on a faceless head, my statue would bury you with that impression because I’m ashamed of who I am for the very things that I created in myself.
The most important part of that picture is that it wouldn’t look the same today. You will have to forgive my grammar in this note, because I have been using the wrong tense to get my point across. The truth is that I don’t feel that way anymore. Some of the characteristics are still there, but the stone is finally being chipped away and beneath it is a real man. The man underneath will still have problems to work out, but he realizes that no one is perfect, and is slowly starting to accept those flaws and work to repair them as opposed to trying to bury them.
While I’m happy that I’m making these changes, I still wondered how I let it happen. I explored the possibilities and mulled over all of the reasons why I would let myself turn in to someone I didn’t like, and didn’t want to be.
When I was a kid I was always happy and smiling. I was energetic, I wouldn’t shut up, and I was curious about the world. Somewhere along the line I started building the shell and closing the box around who I was, because at some point, I decided that who I was wasn’t good enough. I became lethargic, uncaring, quiet and despondent. I became what I perceived as cool. While I may have passed myself off as that for a time; it was not who I was. It wasn’t even real. It was James Dean in a movie. It was just as much of an act, but without it I wasn’t good enough. I sold my self out.
If that is the answer for why I let myself become this guy that I didn’t much like, what is the answer for why I am trying to change again? There are a lot of things that I could call motivation. My wife deserves better for one. I don’t want my kids growing up with a hacked-off jerk, for another. I’ve been married for almost 12 years, and had kids for 9, so if that is the reason, I’m a little late getting started. The real reason: God can’t use the me that I created near as well as the me that HE created. I never thought I would want to be “used” by anyone, so that last sentence sort of threw me as soon as I typed it. What I’ve realized is that being used by God creates a purpose, and what’s life without purpose? But I digress.
The reason that I didn’t like the me that God had created is that I wasn’t interested in what He wanted. I decided that I was only interested in myself, and that person wasn’t getting me the results that I wanted, i.e. popularity and chicks. Of course, in the real world, James Dean isn’t very interesting, so there is that, but most importantly how can God use a broken tool? You can’t cut a tree with an axe handle. In reality, I had handicapped myself. Somewhere deep down I knew that I was a broken tool, so how could I have any self worth, if I didn’t have any God-worth. (I’m going to copyright that term, so hands off!) He always loved me, but He couldn’t use me.
Our self-image comes from Him, not just because we’re made in His image, but also because He designed us to fulfill a purpose, and if we’re not on track, and don’t have a relationship with Him, we aren’t completing that purpose and can’t possibly feel good about ourselves. Each and every part of me was designed for something. Even the smallest of my capabilities may at some point in my life be used to accomplish something for Him, but if I have morphed my self in to something other than what He designed me to be, I’m not as efficient as I should be.
I did a pretty good job of messing myself up, so I shouldn’t have any more trouble making myself right again; especially since I won’t be doing it alone this time.
So what would your portrait look like?

Do you know what it means to hurt? Are you sure?

I have watched a lot of suffering this week. There have been 2 families that I was very close to at one time or another that have suffered tragic losses this week. One family lost a newborn child. The baby was having some serious complications during the pregnancy, and after giving birth, he was not able to overcome them. Making it more of a shame is that this child would have belonged to a great family. They are people of strong faith, and it is obvious to anyone who has had any contact with them that there is a tremendous amount of love in that family.
Another family is suffering the loss of someone who decided to take his own life. This is someone that I personally was very close to during my sophomore year in high school. He was a good guy. He appeared to have a great family, and a good life. He was good in athletics and popular at school. In fact, he once tried to set me up with a girl that he knew I was attracted to, only to find out that she actually wanted to be with him. He seemed stable and happy; at least for that year. I left the school the next year, and hadn’t spoken to him since. I heard rumors from other people that I was still in contact with. I know that he ended up getting his girlfriend pregnant in what I believe was his senior year. Details after that are very sketchy, but I think he got involved with drugs and ended up doing some jail time for it. It seems his life just went on a tail spin at some point.
Something like this tends to put things in perspective. I have written about things in my life not going the way I intended them to, or just going wrong in general, but losing someone like those 2 families is something completely different; particularly in the case of a suicide. But the things that have gone wrong in my life don’t compare. Whether the child lost is a newborn, or a grown man, it has to be the most painful thing someone can go through, and I grieve deeply for both of these families.
But here’s the thing about both of those stories: neither family could control the fate of those lost. My friend, who lost her baby, had no control over what happened. She had to sit back and watch. Fortunately, she’s a Godly woman, and as much pain as she must be in, I believe that she will accept it as God’s will and believe that somehow it will be for the best, but she will have to accept it because she could not change it. The family of my friend who committed suicide is in the same boat. They didn’t see it coming, and even if they had, there is no guarantee that they could have done anything about it. They have to accept it, because they could not change it.
But what if you were God? With all the power of creation, and control of heavenly hosts, changing a person’s fate is as simple as a thought. But when His son was on the cross, He didn’t change a thing. How much pain must He have been in? Despite knowing that His son would rise again, how difficult must it have been to see Jesus go through that? The torment of watching Jesus dread what He knew was coming and the pain He felt as Christ was being tortured and hung must have been unbearable. The Bible says that Jesus even asked His Father if there was any other way to accomplish their goal. God’s son was asking Him to save Him from His fate, and yet God changed nothing. In fact, He was even forced to turn His back on His son during what was perhaps the worst moments of His pain.
Compassion is not one of my most prominent personality traits, but even as cold hearted as I can be, I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been. The believers in these two families must have a much more clear idea of what God went through than I do, so for them my heart is heavy today. But as I try to empathize with them during this time, I can’t help but be grateful for the pain I feel on their behalf because it helps me to empathize with what God went through watching His own Son die. Being in touch with those emotions, even on such a small scale, helps me appreciate the gift that I have been given that much more. I wish that everyone I loved could feel as strongly about it as I do, but I understand that you can’t appreciate any gift until you have accepted it. More importantly, I pray that the sacrifice that those two families have had to make will influence people to accept that gift. I feel confident that it was God’s plan all along, so if nothing else, they can take comfort in that.
But as the snow falls on me tomorrow, and I have no milk or bread, and no way to procure any of it, I’m sure that I will continue to complain about the weather. I will continue to complain about money, or the lack of it. I will complain to God about my dad being sick from chemo, despite the fact that he is still alive today. I will keep complaining about the oven temperature not being correct, and the power bill being high, and on and on and on.
Because as wise as I may or may not become, and as grateful as I am for Gods gift, I’m still human, and life still isn’t fair.

I mean it. He was LARGE.

About a month ago on a Sunday, we decided to go to McDonalds for some sustenance, if you can call it that, after church. Ordinarily I use our debit card; I’ve gotten out of the habit of carrying that all too convenient cash. And of course, these days it is never a problem. There are no more merchants, however remote, that are cash only. That being the case, when someone tells you that they cannot accept debit cards for payment due to a faulty card scanner, it usually takes one by surprise. As quick as I am, I was no exception on this particular Sunday. After the drive thru operator told me that “The machine broke” I responded with the less than intelligent remark: “Oh. So you can’t take them at all?” Yes, it was a stupid question. If the machine is broken, he could not use it. At that moment in time all was well with the world. It was mildly frustrating because I was going to have to come up with an alternate plan, which is not my favorite thing to do, but I was handling this imposition pretty well considering. But then it happened. His response brought my peaceful and content attitude crashing down around me. He responded to my despondent question by saying “That’s what the machine broke mean.”
Despite having spent the last 2 hours absorbed in worship, prayer and learning about the things of God, and even more ironically, forgiveness, I snapped on the poor high school drop out. I responded to him as follows: “#$@% you! I don’t need the smart @#$# attitude #@#$$^&&$#% !@#% #$% ^& # !” Feeling only slightly better, I pressed down rather hard on the gas pedal of my 3000 pound tough guy mini-van and proceeded to the drive thru window with the full intention of accosting my disrespectful friend, and continuing to spew my expletives at him, and perhaps his manager as well. Unfortunately, there was another vehicle parked at the window waiting, unassumingly, for his order. Apparently he had cash. I made the decision to move on, mostly due to the fact that my wife was less than happy with my behavior, and also because my 3 year old son had apparently gotten upset with the man as well, and decided that he should perhaps use some of the same words that I had to express his discontent. Realizing that this exchange between he and I could take some time, and understanding that we were all tired and hungry, I moved on. I will mention here that the fact that the man standing in the drive thru window wearing the head set, was a very large, very muscular and very mean looking black man had nothing to do with my decision not to confront him. I only mention that to eliminate any possible confusion about my masculinity.
I am willing to bet that the very large, very muscular, black man did not think of me or our exchange again. But I did. Oh yes I did. In fact, I thought of nothing else for nearly 30 minutes. Through the course of finding a Jack’s restaurant nearby, who had a working credit card machine and were very friendly by the way, and ordering our food, I continued to steam. I considered my options. I could call the store and speak to his manager. I could call the national complaint hot line. I could write a letter to the owner of the franchise. I could file a complaint to the BBB. Oh yes, I would make him sorry. He would rue the day he came into contact with a behemoth like me! Rue it! I would make sure that he would lose his 7 dollar and hour, graveyard shift, miserable existence of a job, thereby forcing him to go down the street a block or two and get another 7 dollar an hour, graveyard shift, miserable existence of a job! I would ruin his life! At least for a few hours.
A little while later, while driving down the freeway, my anger started to ease a little bit, at least to the point that I was capable of briefly thinking about something else. Beth and I started talking about the service and what we had learned. As I mentioned, the entire message was about forgiveness and finally, after nearly 30 minutes of extreme rage, or perhaps 33+ years of existence, it occurred to me that I’m a complete moron. I realized that I didn’t know the first thing about the very large, very muscular black man. What would drive a very large, very muscular black man to work the graveyard shift at a McDonalds? It is certainly not unreasonable to think that a very large, very muscular black man could have been laid off from a much better job in this economy. Maybe the graveyard shift at McDonalds was the first, or only, source of income he could find to support his very large, very muscular family. Maybe not. Maybe he was lazy and just doing the absolute minimum necessary to support his drug habit. How would I know? Maybe it was his second or third job. Maybe he had been working for 20 hours straight to support his very large, very muscular sick mother and was completely exhausted. Maybe I was the 401st person to ask the same stupid question, and he just couldn’t take it anymore. If I were in his shoes, I would turn into the very same #@$@#$^ that I had called him.
The point is that I had let this exchange sour my previously good mood. I was consumed with a negative emotion for 30 minutes that I will never get back because someone I didn’t know was disrespectful to me. We’ve all been there, but what happens if we raise the stakes a little? What if someone you know, or someone you are close to hurts you? Once I realized what I was doing, it was pretty easy to let the very large, very muscular black man off the hook, but it’s not so easy when it’s someone you are close to.
I’ve been mired down in anger for an extended period of time before. I have been unwilling, or unable to forgive someone I was supposed to be close to. I’m not sure there are some magic words that will allow you to let things go just that easily. I am certain, however, that it is a whole lot more difficult if you are not in a close walk with the Lord. If you have accepted God’s forgiveness for yourself, knowing what you have done in your lifetime, it because much easier to forgive someone else for being human. You may not understand how someone else thinks, or what would make them do something hurtful to you, but it shouldn’t be so hard to see how it can happen to anyone. Just look in the mirror. None of us are blameless. There are people out there that you have hurt, and they have spent time wondering what would make you do it to them, and they are having just as much trouble understanding it as you are. We are all so individualistic, so different from head to toe, that it is impossible for each of us to understand everyone.
I have just recently understood the drawbacks of being so angry with someone that you should be close to that you take 1 or more steps back from that relationship. We all have, or will have at some point, something to offer. There may be periods in our lives where whatever positive things we have to offer others gets buried under circumstances and difficulty in our lives, but eventually we usually move past it. Sure, there are exceptions. There are people that never learn, that never grasp the importance of treating people well; but those people will end up alone anyway. If you harbor resentment toward them, despite it being impossible to have a relationship with the, who are you hurting? You’re not hurting them. They are doing that to themselves. But maybe one day, they will have a moment of clarity and realize what they have done to themselves, and if you have not forgiven them then you won’t be there for them when they come out of their funk. The only reason it’s important to forgive them, and to be there for them when, or if, they come out of it is that one day you might be the one in a funk. You might need a little bit of patience.

God and a cup of coffee

I believe in God. In fact, I've believed in him for as long as I can remember. His existence has never come in to question. My mom was the most spiritual woman I've ever been in contact with. Her walk with God was unquestionable, and uncanny. There were many times growing up that I thought God told on me, because there was no way she could have known what I'd done if God hadn't ratted me out.

I knew he existed, but for quite a few years, I didn't care.

Everyone has problems; things that go wrong or are more difficult than they should be, and I am not so self absorbed as to pretend that mine are somehow worse. That being said, I feel like I've had more than my share of "bad luck". Foreclosures, repossessions, layoffs, firings, flat tires, you name it. My parents divorced, my dad hasn't put much effort into having a relationship with me, my daughter was still born and as a result suffers from severe cerebral palsy and my mom died way too young. I'm not looking for a pity party, saying all of that is to simply say that I justified a deep, severe anger at a God who allowed these things to happen to me constantly. I know that bad things happen, I realize that people die young, I know that Brynn is not the only child to go through an injury at birth and to suffer like she does. I also realize that a lot of the misfortunes in my life have been brought on by myself. I should have handled money better, or shouldn't have burned all of the tread off of the tires, but my thought process was that everyone is immature at some point, and yet all of my immaturity seemed to catch up with me every single time. In other words, life isn't fair.

At some points during all of this I made an active effort to get my life together. I knew that I wasn't living like I should and that it was I who had forsaken God, not the other way around. I got back in to church, I started reading the Bible and praying, I even sought counsel through the church, which was certainly not easy for me to do. It seemed like each time I sought him, things got a lot harder, fast. I felt like I had left His house to "sew my seed" and then when I came home, He started punishing me for the sins I had committed while I was away as soon as I had walked through the door.

God had given me this fantastic opportunity to be a great parent to a special needs child, then prevented me from being able to provide for her like I should at every turn. When I thought things started to improve financially, I would lose my job...again. I overhauled the way that I handled money, making enormous sacrifices for a long time, but I would still get buried under financial pressure. I cut a lot of sin out of my life, but I would still get hurt. My mother told me once that when Satan feels like he's got you under his thumb, he leaves you alone, but as soon as you make a step towards God, he starts throwing his darts again. It makes sense, and I believe that, but my circumstances didn't change whether I was living the way I wanted to or trying to live the way God wanted me to.

When most people accept Christ or seek out a relationship with Him that has been dormant, there is a defining moment; something catastrophic in their life that makes them realize that they need Him. In my case, catastrophe is the norm. What I have come to realize, however, is that when I would seek Him out previously it was nothing more than a bargaining chip for me. I was only doing the bare minimum for Him, and only to get something in return. I wanted a little peace; just a taste of victory rather than endless and perpetual defeat. But I wasn't willing to "sell out" to God. I couldn't see myself as the "Bible thumping holy roller". I have a problem with authority and being told what to do, and I didn't want to give myself up to that. I envisioned Christianity as a life of servitude and submission to someone superior to me, and that was too much for me to handle. I'm just not that person.

I thought that God was this monster that wanted to keep me under His thumb. I thought He wanted to dictate my every move and desire. He was a tyrant who wanted to control everyone and take all of the good things in life away from me. He convinced everyone that He only wanted the best for us and that if we did things for Him that He would take care of us, but the minute you make a decision for yourself, He would drop the anvil on your head. He made false promises and lied to me.

The truth is something completely different. I can not believe that for some many years I was so dense and deceived. He isn't asking for servitude from someone who isn't willing, like a slave that was bought, He's asking for a cup of coffee.

My wife and I are big coffee drinkers. We have regular in the morning and decaf every night. I love my wife immensely. She's the most important thing to me. But love is more than just an emotion, it's a verb. It's something you DO, not something you feel. We have this rule in our house, He who makes the pot, is not required to prepare the first cup of coffee. After the first cup of coffee is made, and brought to the pot-maker, the following cups are made on a rotation. But sometimes, Beth is exceptionally tired. Sometimes her back hurts. Sometimes she just doesn't want to get up off of the sofa after working. Every now and then, I break the coffee rule. I'll make the pot, then fix the first cup too, just so that she doesn't have to get up. She does it for me sometimes too, though I'd argue not near as often.

I have come to understand that what God is looking for is a relationship. It's no more complicated than that. Why else would He have created us? He wants to love us, as a verb. He wants us to love Him, as a verb. Sometimes He has to take things away from us, or allow things to happen that hurt, but it's not because He's vengeful, it is always for a purpose. If you believe that God knows all and sees all, and if you accept that He wants to have a relationship with us, then you have to believe that what He does is for us, not to us.

I don't know what the purpose is for a vast majority of the things that have happened to me. It's a little comforting to me that I don't have to. If He loves me, and wants a relationship with me, I don't have to worry about His purpose because I know it's something good. Maybe His purpose was for me to write this note. Maybe it will mean something to someone going through something similar. Maybe not; maybe I'm just writing this for me so that I can better understand the way I feel about it. The point is, I may never know, but if I'm going to retain my sanity, I have to believe there is a reason for it. And if God wants a relationship with someone as useless as me, I can do that. I have a lot of work to do. I'm not going to be a different person tomorrow, but I also think that life is a journey rather than a destination, and a walk with God can be no different. Besides, the only thing God wants me to change is the things that I do, not the person that I am.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

It's a common question. I've asked myself why bad things happen to good people all the time. For that matter, it seems like good things happen to bad people too. It's just been recently that I've discovered the answer. I can't take credit for it unfortunately. As much as I'd like to inflate your perception of my level of wisdom, the answer was handed to me in church the other day. The truth is that there are no good people. There are just people.

The Bible says that all have sinned, but despite your religious beliefs, or lack thereof, if you were to objectively examine your life I think that everyone would realize that you have opened yourself up for whatever you are going through. The truth is that by nature humans are pretty despicable beings. We're selfish, judgmental, critical of others and no one can examine their life decisions throughout their existence and give themselves an A. We've all hurt someone, both intentionally, and unintentionally. We've all lied, and do so regularly. We've all put our needs before someone else. You can't use the adage that life isn't fair, and in the same breath expect Karma to be. Even if you are one of the better creations, who spends their whole life trying to serve other people, you have still had moments of weakness or anger.

Then there are the Christians. Why is it that we believe that just because we are forgiven it means that there are no consequences for the sin? If you jump off of a building, your going to hit the ground at some point. There may be a small window of time just after you've taken the leap where all is well. You get the adrenaline rush from falling, you get the cool breeze blowing through you hair and you could take the time to enjoy the great view, but eventually you're going to bite it. And it's going to hurt. A lot. In fact, and this may come as a shock, but I think it's probably worse for us. If you believe that God cares for us, and that He is trying to mold us into His image and make us better people, then you have to believe that He is going to allow bad things to happen to us as consequences out of discipline. It makes sense to me.

I refer to myself as a Nazi regularly. It has nothing to do with bigotry, it's just that I'm really (really, really) hard on my kids. Sometimes I think it's to a fault, but then Kenzi will do something extremely irritating, and I reconsider. The point is, I want them to be great kids, I enjoy having people tell me how well behaved they are. I like going to restaurants or grocery stores and not dealing with temper tantrums and bringing attention to myself. So I don't let them get away with anything. Everything comes with a consequence. It's gotten to the point that my kids don't even like to hear me call their name. They often jump or flinch when I walk into the room unexpectedly. How much more important is it for an adult?

Brynn, my oldest, has Cerebral Palsy and is confined to a wheel chair. She has suffered the worst case scenario for Karma or sin. She's also a near perfect kid. She's content, satisfied and always quick with a smile. But notice I said near perfect, not perfect. Obviously she can't paint the walls with a dirty diaper like her sister did. She can't put hot wheels down the toilet like her brother. But she can (and has) have a bad attitude. She gets impatient, regularly. She can be lazy and not do things that we knows she is capable of or work hard enough in therapy. Even she requires discipline, and I don't give her a pass either. In fact, we are probably harder on her than the other two, because it's important for her to be patient with us since she can't speak and it takes patience and time for her to get across to us what she wants or needs.

I've also figured out that God's discipline isn't handed down equally. Two people can make the same mistake, or commit the same sin, and the discipline can be grossly different. We've all seen the rich and famous person that can do no wrong, and yet they do wrong constantly. The person that has everything they could possibly want and continues to get more, and yet, they are horrible people. Even more frustrating is watching the saints get beaten down and abused by life.

You can never know how far reaching your actions can be. We've all seen the story of the weakling kid in grade school who was constantly picked on by the bully grow up to be a serial killer in an attempt to get revenge on the world. I can remember several incidents in my past that I have said something or done something that could have caused serious damage to someone else. One example was in junior high. I knew, and very much liked, a girl that was really short. She struggled with weight problems too, and of course I knew it. We were having a conversation about someone else one day though I can't remember who it was about or even what it was about, but some how height was brought up. She was commenting on how short someone was, and without even thinking, I said "Well, you're not exactly long and lanky yourself!". I wasn't referring to her weight. I hadn't even considered it; the only reason I tacked the word lanky in there was because it was part of the saying. You can imagine the backlash. She was instantly in tears, and her friends immediately berated me for saying it. It was completely innocent on my part, but it obviously crushed her. There have been people that sank into anorexia or bulimia for a lot less than that.

You may not think that particular occasion made me a bad person, but it did. It was bad for her. It could have been, and may have been, a pivotal moment in her life, and could easily have had a bad outcome. It would/could have been my fault. I don't think it unreasonable that I deserve some consequence for that, whether under the guise of Karma, or discipline. There was a lesson that I needed to learn from that situation whether the pain I caused was accidental or not.

Most of us live our lives, and do the best we can. The truth is that our best simply isn't good enough. It's not good enough for that customer service agent whose day I ruined by cussing her out over something that wasn't even her fault. It's not good enough for my kids when I get unreasonably impatient with them. It's not good enough for my wife when I don't provide for her like I should. Most importantly, it certainly isn't good enough for a perfect and flawless God.

My best, and your best, just hasn't been good enough since Adam and Eve ate the apple and introduced sin and the consequences thereof to the world. It doesn't make life any easier, it just makes life. The only thing we can do is adjust our attitude about it. We're not kids anymore. We should understand what the word consequence means, and be grateful for the opportunity to better ourselves and thereby better our influence during our time here. Trust me, I know it's not easy. Even as I write this, I am struggling with the concept and trying to fight off feelings of resentment. It's not easy to accept consequences as you suffer them, but you have to believe that some day the lessons we learn from it will help us make better decision, or help someone else make better decisions.

At least, that's the theory I'm going with to help me get through the day. Because I am realizing that if the world were truly just, I would suffer my entire life only to be followed by a very long trip to hell.

Learning from mom, even after she's gone

I think it’s safe to say that we’ve made it through another Christmas, and nearly another year. The holidays tend to open old wounds for those of us who have lost someone we were close to, and this year was no exception for me. For some reason I decided to sit down last night and put a little salt into it.
My step dad has kept my mom’s laptop and has been using it a little bit since she died. He doesn’t do much with it except for get online periodically if he finds something that interests him. That to say, he’s never had any reason to access the documents that my mom had saved so they are still on it. I started going through some of them because I missed her and I thought that reading some of the things she had written might help me reconnect a little bit. Even something as simple as e-mails she had saved with outdated and no longer relevant information in them were meaningful. As long as it was something that she had written, and included some of her most used phrases, it brought back memories.
Mom liked to write. I suppose that is where I got it from. Like me, I think she found it easier to express her self by writing more than speaking. When we write, we can more carefully choose the words that we want to use to better express exactly what we are feeling or thinking. She was also pretty critical of her ability to do it. I firmly believe that what few things that are left on there are only a fraction of what was actually written. I’m sure she deleted more than a few documents. But I thoroughly enjoyed reading what was left. Somehow, it made me feel closer to her than I did when she was alive.
There was one thing that stood out to me though. Mom never made her faith and love for God a secret. Anyone that knew her, or even just met her, knew that she was deeply spiritual and very close to her Lord. She was solid, even as she lay on the hospital bed and drew her last breath, she never faltered; at least not to the point that anyone knew it. In all the documents that were left on her computer, there were none that didn’t mention Him in one way or another.
When she was diagnosed with Lymphoma, she decided to try to keep a journal about what she was going through, mostly the emotional aspect, but also some of the medical things involved. Unfortunately, she didn’t really follow through with it and only managed to write, or keep, 2 of them. They were pretty profound though. One in particular was important to me, and I’ll try and relay it to you here.
She wrote that after having been diagnosed for about six weeks, she had gone to a couple of different churches to be prayed over by the elders. It was not her idea. It wasn’t that she was opposed to being prayed over, it was just that she wasn’t really worried about the diagnosis or the outcome. I was shocked by that, but I’ll get into that later. It went on to say that she was on the way home, riding in the car in silence, and started to wonder if she should be worried, or at least, wondered why she wasn’t. So she did exactly what I would expect my mother to do, she prayed about it. She simply addressed God and asked Him if she should be worried, or concerned about it. She asked if she should expect a miracle, a challenge or a healing. She said that her answer came immediately and was perfectly clear, and clearly His word. He said: “The road you are about to travel will not be easy or fun, but you and I are going to have a blast!”
She got a one line answer from the Lord, and yet there were so many things I learned from that short entry. First: She was diagnosed with Lymphoma, which is one of the most difficult cancers to beat. Not only that, but she was diagnosed with stage four Lymphoma. In fact, her doctor said that it was so bad, that if there were a stage six she would have had that. He gave her three to six months to live. Six weeks later, she wasn’t scared, worried or concerned. Only after six weeks did she decide that maybe she should check in with God to see whether she should be or not.
Second: Jesus was a man, and God is not unapproachable or unavailable. He is personable. His answer to her was conversational. He didn’t quote a bunch of scripture at her, or speak to her using language that you would see in a tax manual. He just spoke to her, like a father speaking to his daughter.
I guess I’m not totally surprised by either one of those points; it just has never been presented in such a clear and simple way before. Mom was so totally surrendered to the will of God, that it didn’t matter what the long term result of the diagnosis was. She wanted whatever God wanted. That philosophy completely removes any need for worry. I worried. It drove me crazy that she wasn’t any more concerned about it than she was. I guess I wanted her to panic. At the time, I didn’t share her faith. I also didn’t believe, despite my years of being taught differently, that God was all that concerned with what happened to us. I thought He was more likely to use us, even to the point of allowing us to die, to accomplish some greater purpose. I didn’t think it mattered how difficult it was for us to go through something as long as His ultimate purpose was served. For Him to plant that thought in her mind, using those words, was important to me. Mom believed that while God may use her illness or tribulations to accomplish some other goal, that whatever she was going through would benefit her, or those she cared about, to such an extent that she believed it would be worth it.
As she lay dying, she asked us not to let her death be a stumbling block to us. She believed in a complete healing through the entire 8 year battle with the cancer. She told me more than once that she believed her healing had been manifested. What she came to realize is that it was manifested, just not here on earth. Her largest concern was that we would question God or our faith in Him based on the fact that she didn’t live. She was right to be concerned. I used that, though not solely, as an excuse to ignore God and even be angry with Him for a long time.
That being said, she did struggle privately. She was still human, and Satan used Fear and Defeat and Despair against her. In one of her other entries she talked about having something just short of an anxiety attack one night. She was crying uncontrollably and shaking. It was late, and Jim was already asleep. She said she considered waking him and asking him to pray, but such was my mom, she decided not to because she didn’t want to scare him. Instead, she prayed, quoted scripture to herself and sang songs. She said within minutes she was calm again.
I never knew anything like that had happened to her until I read that. Personally, the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through was when my daughter Brynn was born, but I think that I was so tired and so surrounded by people that I wasn’t subjected to anxiety like that. It certainly didn’t last 8 years. The point is that I hope I never go through something like that, but if I do, I want her kind of faith. I want to be able to lay aside the worry and anxiety like she did. I want to be able to rely on someone who knows what the outcome of every situation will be, and know that He will ultimately make everything okay, even if the end game is not what I thought, or hoped, it would be. I want to have the kind of relationship with God that she had, so that when difficulty comes, He will look forward to traveling down that road with me like He did with her. If I am ridiculed for exploring and deepening my faith, and yet can share a relationship with Him like my mother did, it will be worth it. If I have to give up some of the sin that I hold most dear in order to be able to let someone else worry about my problems, that too will be worth it. And, most importantly, if I have to lose my mom to make me come to these conclusions, and to be able to enjoy the benefits that come along with the relationship that I’m talking about, I can begrudgingly accept that as well. I finally realize that my own stubbornness and anger is to blame and not Gods. The fact that I had to lose mom to bring all of this to my attention is my fault. And while I’m certain that God didn’t take her solely to get to me, I know that I was at least one of the reasons. I also believe that if I were the only reason, mom would have changed nothing.