God and a cup of coffee

I believe in God. In fact, I've believed in him for as long as I can remember. His existence has never come in to question. My mom was the most spiritual woman I've ever been in contact with. Her walk with God was unquestionable, and uncanny. There were many times growing up that I thought God told on me, because there was no way she could have known what I'd done if God hadn't ratted me out.

I knew he existed, but for quite a few years, I didn't care.

Everyone has problems; things that go wrong or are more difficult than they should be, and I am not so self absorbed as to pretend that mine are somehow worse. That being said, I feel like I've had more than my share of "bad luck". Foreclosures, repossessions, layoffs, firings, flat tires, you name it. My parents divorced, my dad hasn't put much effort into having a relationship with me, my daughter was still born and as a result suffers from severe cerebral palsy and my mom died way too young. I'm not looking for a pity party, saying all of that is to simply say that I justified a deep, severe anger at a God who allowed these things to happen to me constantly. I know that bad things happen, I realize that people die young, I know that Brynn is not the only child to go through an injury at birth and to suffer like she does. I also realize that a lot of the misfortunes in my life have been brought on by myself. I should have handled money better, or shouldn't have burned all of the tread off of the tires, but my thought process was that everyone is immature at some point, and yet all of my immaturity seemed to catch up with me every single time. In other words, life isn't fair.

At some points during all of this I made an active effort to get my life together. I knew that I wasn't living like I should and that it was I who had forsaken God, not the other way around. I got back in to church, I started reading the Bible and praying, I even sought counsel through the church, which was certainly not easy for me to do. It seemed like each time I sought him, things got a lot harder, fast. I felt like I had left His house to "sew my seed" and then when I came home, He started punishing me for the sins I had committed while I was away as soon as I had walked through the door.

God had given me this fantastic opportunity to be a great parent to a special needs child, then prevented me from being able to provide for her like I should at every turn. When I thought things started to improve financially, I would lose my job...again. I overhauled the way that I handled money, making enormous sacrifices for a long time, but I would still get buried under financial pressure. I cut a lot of sin out of my life, but I would still get hurt. My mother told me once that when Satan feels like he's got you under his thumb, he leaves you alone, but as soon as you make a step towards God, he starts throwing his darts again. It makes sense, and I believe that, but my circumstances didn't change whether I was living the way I wanted to or trying to live the way God wanted me to.

When most people accept Christ or seek out a relationship with Him that has been dormant, there is a defining moment; something catastrophic in their life that makes them realize that they need Him. In my case, catastrophe is the norm. What I have come to realize, however, is that when I would seek Him out previously it was nothing more than a bargaining chip for me. I was only doing the bare minimum for Him, and only to get something in return. I wanted a little peace; just a taste of victory rather than endless and perpetual defeat. But I wasn't willing to "sell out" to God. I couldn't see myself as the "Bible thumping holy roller". I have a problem with authority and being told what to do, and I didn't want to give myself up to that. I envisioned Christianity as a life of servitude and submission to someone superior to me, and that was too much for me to handle. I'm just not that person.

I thought that God was this monster that wanted to keep me under His thumb. I thought He wanted to dictate my every move and desire. He was a tyrant who wanted to control everyone and take all of the good things in life away from me. He convinced everyone that He only wanted the best for us and that if we did things for Him that He would take care of us, but the minute you make a decision for yourself, He would drop the anvil on your head. He made false promises and lied to me.

The truth is something completely different. I can not believe that for some many years I was so dense and deceived. He isn't asking for servitude from someone who isn't willing, like a slave that was bought, He's asking for a cup of coffee.

My wife and I are big coffee drinkers. We have regular in the morning and decaf every night. I love my wife immensely. She's the most important thing to me. But love is more than just an emotion, it's a verb. It's something you DO, not something you feel. We have this rule in our house, He who makes the pot, is not required to prepare the first cup of coffee. After the first cup of coffee is made, and brought to the pot-maker, the following cups are made on a rotation. But sometimes, Beth is exceptionally tired. Sometimes her back hurts. Sometimes she just doesn't want to get up off of the sofa after working. Every now and then, I break the coffee rule. I'll make the pot, then fix the first cup too, just so that she doesn't have to get up. She does it for me sometimes too, though I'd argue not near as often.

I have come to understand that what God is looking for is a relationship. It's no more complicated than that. Why else would He have created us? He wants to love us, as a verb. He wants us to love Him, as a verb. Sometimes He has to take things away from us, or allow things to happen that hurt, but it's not because He's vengeful, it is always for a purpose. If you believe that God knows all and sees all, and if you accept that He wants to have a relationship with us, then you have to believe that what He does is for us, not to us.

I don't know what the purpose is for a vast majority of the things that have happened to me. It's a little comforting to me that I don't have to. If He loves me, and wants a relationship with me, I don't have to worry about His purpose because I know it's something good. Maybe His purpose was for me to write this note. Maybe it will mean something to someone going through something similar. Maybe not; maybe I'm just writing this for me so that I can better understand the way I feel about it. The point is, I may never know, but if I'm going to retain my sanity, I have to believe there is a reason for it. And if God wants a relationship with someone as useless as me, I can do that. I have a lot of work to do. I'm not going to be a different person tomorrow, but I also think that life is a journey rather than a destination, and a walk with God can be no different. Besides, the only thing God wants me to change is the things that I do, not the person that I am.